It’s a strange feeling to get to the end of a week and stop to reflect. This week’s post is also a couple of days late, but only because I’ve been trying to work out what to say. I made a note in my journal in the middle of the week about how exhausted and vulnerable I feel, how the urge to give in gets stronger the longer I fast and how that in itself becomes a distraction from focusing on God. I made a note that I needed to discover the humility to kneel.
And then something seemed to switch in my brain. It was as I was watching an episode of Celebrity Best Home Cook and watching them make lemon meringue pies and profiteroles feeling that longing to eat them, remembering the flavour and texture of my favourite puddings. It was as I was feeling yet another energy slump and not being able to reach for my usual quick-fix pick-me-up biscuit. I realised my longings were real and I do love those puddings and treats. But I love God more. I could give up now. I could reach for a biscuit. The only one stopping me is me.
But there’s a certain peace that comes from realising my own weakness, from getting to the end of endurance, of realising how much I can’t control and falling to my knees in surrender and humility. There’s beauty in putting God in his proper place in my life, not as a last resort, but as the centre, the first place I go to for comfort. It comes from accepting my own faults and weaknesses and also having to trust in God’s goodness.
It may seem a trivial thing, giving up sweet treats; it’s certainly not as hard core as giving up all food. But it’s not so much the ‘what’ as the ‘why’ that is important. By engaging my will, by exercising self control, I am showing myself and God how serious I am about seeking him and putting him first. It’s showing myself I don’t have to listen to the inner voice that causes me to doubt or believe lies about myself that people or experiences of the past have left me with, because my focus is on God.
I spent this week reflecting on Psalm 103. It’s another beautiful psalm (although to be fair I could say that about most of them). There’s plenty of verses worth memorising. But it’s the last three verses that have stuck with me:
Praise the Lord, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word
Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will.
Praise the Lord, all his works everywhere in his dominion
Praise the Lord, my soul
Somehow, I needed to remember that God is God of all things. He is good because that is who he is, not because of what he does. No, things don’t always feel great. Yes, there is pain and suffering and things I can’t explain, excuse of understand. But God sees a bigger picture. God uses things for good. Sometimes, I just need to trust that God is good and find a way to say “praise the Lord, my soul”.
The book that I’ve been reading this week, ‘Ruthless Trust’ by Brennan Manning has particularly brought this message home to me. I was struck by this quote:
When we get waylaid from our walk with God by business, depression, family problems or worse, God does not abandon us. Nor, if we walk the way of trust, do we abandon God. When we wander off the path, that trust puls us back; and we do not flinch, hesitate or worry about being unwelcome in the Father’s arms. No matter where we are on the journey, we have a quiet confidence that our trust in God’s love gives God immense pleasure.
It is a good book, but I would say only read it if you are ready to be challenged in your relationship with God. Its full of poignant truths and humble stories (although I haven’t finished it yet) but I have been deeply challenged by how to take the words from the page and live them out.
I have one more week of fasting to follow Jo Swinney’s book before the next discipline (although another 17 days before I will be allowing myself to taste chocolate again) and I wonder what more I will discover. I feel like my mindset has changed drastically since the last post, so apologies if my tone has changed and this isn’t what you expected.
For the final week I will be focusing on Psalm 51 instead of scrolling, and I will spend more time physically kneeling as a sign of humility and surrender. And, of course, I will be reading more of the book and will share any nuggets of wisdom. Just an encouragement to any out there who have never fasted: if you make the space God will meet you in it, and in my experience, will meet you in ways you didn’t imagine. Because God is good, and that is why I have hope for the future.
The Reason for my Hope Blog 