This is the post I wanted to write yesterday but ran out of time. It picks up on the first song I posted on Sunday. The chorus says is about how we say we’re fine when we’re not. The song talks about how we present one side to the world which isn’t necessarily true to what’s going on inside.
I once sat in a talk where the speaker talked about how he wouldn’t accept the answer “I’m fine” if he asked how someone was. It’s a bit of a non answer and can cover a lot without giving any information away. And it’s an answer we often give, perhaps in part because we think the person asking the question is just being polite (particularly if your British) rather than actually interested in the question. I’ve been guilty of using ‘fine’ as a way of not sharing how I’m really feeling. But this speaker said that, to him, fine stood for Feelings Inside Not Expressed, and he would often follow up with the person. He cared, and that’s why he asked the question, not because he was being polite.
The song I shared talks about how we don’t tell the truth about how we’re feeling, we don’t let people know when we feel like things are out of control. Maybe because we’re comparing to others who have seemingly perfect lives (who are probably also hiding the bad bits) or because we’re ashamed of mistakes or failures, or of appearing weak.
This is something I feel strongly about. I have been in that place of not wanting to ask for help because I was ashamed of the weakness, felt I was making a fuss when others were dealing with harder things than me. I have put in a mask every time I was with other people. I have used the answer ‘fine’ instead of being honest. And I did that with God as well as the people around me.
So, speaking from experience, here’s some wisdom: it is unnecessarily exhausting and damaging. Often, how we imagine others will react is the worst case scenario, and people are actually more patient and compassionate than we give them credit for. I’m not saying we need to be open and vulnerable with everyone we meet. I imagine the person scanning our shopping could do without our life story! But that doesn’t mean we have to shut everyone out.
I am someone who cares. If I ask how you are, I’m asking because I’m interested in the answer, and I will make time to listen if that’s what you need. And I am not unique in that. I can guarantee there are people around you who are the same. I have gathered around me ‘Team Karen’ – people I can call on when I need a shoulder to lean on or to just sit and eat cake (other foods also available…) Now, these are people too, and sometimes they get it wrong. And it hurts when they do. But it is an open and honest hurt that can be dealt with. It’s better than trying to bottle it up inside and ignore it in order to present a strong face to everyone.
And, if you have a faith, there is definitely no need to shut God out. There is no part of who you are or what you’ve done that God doesn’t know. He loves you anyway. You don’t need to be strong for God. He’s stronger than you even on your strongest day. And you don’t need to hide in shame from God. Shame is not from God.
In Genesis, in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve had everything they needed. They walked with God in the garden and had food and work, and they were content. Then the serpent got involved. God had given them one rule, one boundary, for their own good. But they were tempted. They ate the fruit from the tree that they shouldn’t have done. And it is at that point they realise they are naked and are ashamed. Shame does not come from God. We don’t need to hide anything from him.
And even after, when they have to deal with the consequences of their actions, Adam and Eve are not abandoned. God provides clothing for them, and he keeps watch over them and their children. Even when we mess up, even when we are weak, even when we feel like we’re losing control, we don’t need to hide from God.
When Jesus is walking around Israel he doesn’t turn away from sinners, he turns towards them. He doesn’t walk past the sick and the beggars, he stops and talks to them. He doesn’t ignore those who are mourning, he reaches out to them. That is the nature of God.
So what I’ve learnt (the hard way, not recommended) is that if I give people a chance to help, they want to step up. I don’t have to compare my problems to anothers. (What I find hard to deal with another may find easy, but I might not struggle with the things that they struggle with – comparison is not helpful!) And God never wants us to hide from him. He created humans to be in an open relationship with him. He knows it anyway, so trying to hide it is a waste of time. And by being open and honest with God, in my experience, he can direct the right person into my path to help me through that stretch. Letting people and God in doesn’t make the problem or the pain disappear, but it does make it easier to bear.
So, if I ask you how you are and you tell me fine, expect a follow up question! I care. And so does God.
The Reason for my Hope Blog 