The mind is an interesting thing. When I woke up this morning, I was reminded of something that happened when I was a child. There was no obvious trigger, the event itself wasn’t particularly momentous, but still my brain decided to replay it for me. If it had been a happy memory, that would have been a great way to start the day. But no, my mind decided to remind me of something I did wrong over 20 years ago, and it made my insides squirm with shame.
My mind is like that. I do have plenty of happy memories, but I also hold on to those things I’ve done wrong. I won’t post them all here (that wouldn’t help anyone), but one I remember clearly: my mum had bought tea cakes as a treat for herself. I offered to toast them for her while she was on the phone. We had a grill to toast them (rather than a toaster), and I did everything as I would with bread. Then I took my eye off them for a second. With bread, that’s fine. Grilling bread takes a few minutes to become toast, and it’s fairly forgiving before it becomes too toasted to eat. Tea cakes, however, are sweet buns with dried fruit. They are not so forgiving. There were flickering lights in the grill, and I pulled the pan out to find the tea cakes smouldering.
I did not burn the house down (thankful for small mercies), but those tea cakes were not consumable! Why does that stick in my mind? Maybe because I shouldn’t have let myself get distracted. Maybe because I felt I let my mum down by ruining her treat. If I asked my mum about it now, she probably wouldn’t even remember it. See? Not significant, and yet it still rattles around in my brain, dredging up old emotions.
That’s a slightly flippant example for the sake of this blog (although the squirmy insides are very real!). There are plenty more – times I acted without thinking, people I let down, sharp words and bad behaviours. I won’t say they all live in my mind, but I do seem to remember a lot of them, and those squirmy insides, where guilt and shame at my actions (or inactions) rise to the surface, are sometimes overwhelming. It can be so easy to let those occasions eat away at me.
In the Bible, there are a few key verses that link to this. One of my favourites (and a verse with particular significance to me) is Philippians 3:13-14: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on towards the goal. This needs careful balancing; we can’t just forget everything from the past. For one, our experiences shape us. We are formed as much by our mistakes as by our successes. For another, if we just forget, we do a disservice to the other people involved. There is something to be said for seeking forgiveness when we have behaved badly or made a mistake that has affected another. However, we cannot move forward if we are constantly living in the past, regretting our actions or feeling guilty over mistakes. To press forward into the future God has for us, we sometimes need to take the advice of a surprisingly wise warthog and ‘leave our behind in the past’!
Sometimes, this can feel impossible. Sometimes, mistakes can feel so huge that we can’t come back from them. I’ve had a couple of those in my time. Even now, if I’m not careful, those memories threaten to drag me back to a state of mind where I mentally beat myself up. But we don’t have to do it alone. Yes, we make mistakes and behave badly. But God doesn’t hold them against us. Lamentations 3:22-23 says: Because of God’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Maybe you are like me, holding your past against yourself. But God isn’t like that. His grace means He forgives us and gives us a fresh start. Each day is a chance to start over, to do better.
Easier said than done, I know. I didn’t just get over my whoppers in a day. Or even a week! But I did work through the feelings, I have made amends where I could, and I have learnt from them. One time in my life, I had a plan. It was an excellent plan with a secure future, and I had my heart and mind set on it. Advice from people around suggested maybe I wasn’t quite ready, maybe this was not the right path, but I ignored them, so sure of myself.
I was wrong, and I watched the future I had planned crumble in front of me. It took me a year to let go of the ruins. But I did, and I learnt a few things. In that period, I learnt to believe in myself, even love myself (in a healthy way, not an arrogant way). I also learnt to enjoy the journey, to make the most out of every experience. It’s not an experience I am eager to repeat, and yet, with God’s help, it has shaped me positively.
The mind is an interesting thing. I’m not sure why it decided to remind me about burnt tea cakes this morning! But if you are dwelling on a mistake, if something in your past is holding you back, if yesterday was an awful day and you don’t know how to face tomorrow, remember: every day is a chance to try again. God hasn’t turned His face away. He is ready to help you move forward, one step at a time.
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