The agony of isolation – lent 2023

I recently went to see an art exhibition at Guildford Cathedral. The current exhibition is a series of paintings by Iain McKillop that portray the Easter story in 27 paintings. They are extraordinary works of art, showing a great deal of emotion with the minimum of colours. The exhibition is done with minimal colours, I believe 4 colours for most of it with an additional splash of purple for the cloak. The paintings get darker as Jesus’ crucifixion approaches and then burst into glorious light as he rises. If you get the opportunity, I recommend seeing this exhibition.

But there were a couple of panels that stood out to me. Maybe I’ll write about some others this lent. For now, I want to focus on the painting of Jesus in Gethsemane. At this point in the story, Jesus has had a passover meal with his friends and knows that Judas has gone to fetch the guards. He goes to a secluded garden with his closest friends and asks them to keep watch as he prays. And he seeks comfort from his Father. He knows what is coming and doesn’t want to walk the path although he knows he must. He returns to his friends to find them sleeping – they don’t seem to have grasped the severity of what is happening. He wakes them and prays once more and ultimately makes the choice to surrender to what needs to be done. Judas approaches and he is arrested and taken away. Alone.

The panel of the painting captures Jesus praying alone, the agony on his face as he fears what is ahead for him. It drove home to me that Jesus is human. Yes, he is also divine, but he is human. He can cut his hand and bleed. He can feel hurt and heartbreak. He can even die. And because of that, he can also feel afraid. And here he is in the garden, dreading what is to come. Have you ever been faced with something you dread? Did you cry out to God to somehow change it? Jesus did.

The thing with crucifixion is that it is slow, painful and humiliating. Jesus would have known this. And I wonder if he knew that he was going to come through it? He says about the temple rising in three days, so maybe he had an inkling but would he be the same? Could he endure everything? As a human, did he have the capacity to fail, to give in to temptation to find an easier way?

And while all of this was going on, as he was afraid and praying, his friends were sleeping. He was alone. They didn’t understand. How much it must have pained him that they were there and yet not there, that he couldn’t rely on them because they just didn’t get it. He has to face this alone on a human level. Yes, there was God, but a parent can’t stop the pain and in this case God couldn’t take it away – Jesus had to endure it. I can’t imagine what that would feel like, and yet this panel of artwork seems to have captured some of that feeling.

I know there have been times when I have felt isolated, when I’ve felt like people around me just didn’t understand and I was facing things alone. Maybe you have too. Rest assured, Jesus knows how that feels. Maybe that’s a comfort, maybe that’s not helpful. But let Jesus in in those moments. Let him be with you, let him comfort you. Because he’s been there, he knows the agony of isolation.

The danger of shame – lent 2023

I watched a film today called Luther. It’s a fairly new one based off of a TV show of the same name about a detective. Without giving away the plot, the film has a lot to do with shame.

Finding things that people would rather keep hidden, the antagonist is able to blackmail good people into doing what he wants. That’s not a new idea – blackmail has been around for ages. But what struck me was one character who is caught in the act of commiting a crime in order to avoid their secret being passed on. They said, “The stupid thing is, it wasn’t even that big a thing.”

Shame is powerful like that. It can affect us all and can be caused by big things and small things. Anything we’d rather other people didn’t find out about can plant a seed of shame. We keep it locked up tight, hidden away so far down no one will ever know. But what if someone did find out? What about that voice inside that insists on reminding you about it? What happens then?

I’m not saying that every little thing can or will be used as leverage. But I am saying watch those planted seeds. They can sprout and grow and turn you against yourself. They can follow you through life, defining you internally and holding you back. It’s almost like the internal voice is blackmailing you.

The thing about God is he already knows. Any little secret, God knew when you did it and hasn’t forgotten. But he doesn’t hold it against you. You don’t need to hide it from God. And if God has forgiven you, it doesn’t matter what others thing. You are loved and accepted in God’s family. The blackmailer has no hold over you.

If there is a niggling thing, big or small, that you prefer to keep hidden – bring it to God. Tell God about it honestly and then let it go. Once you’ve brought it into God’s light it no longer has any power and you are free.

Shame is dangerous – don’t let it rule you. Let God’s grace wipe it away.

Can you hear me? Because I can’t hear you. – lent 2023

Have you ever prayed and heard nothing in response? Have you asked for guidance and just been met with silence? Have you asked for change and seen no difference? I have. It can be a really frustrating thing to feel as though your prayers are wasted and not know why.

There is no one way to pray, and although many books have been written on prayer there isn’t exactly a step by step guide on how to pray successfully every time (depending on how you define success). Sometimes it can feel as if you are doing it wrong because nothing is happening. Sometimes a voice of doubt enters – maybe God’s not really listening!

There are times when I look around and I just want to shout at God – why has he let things turn out this way, why isn’t he doing something?! There are times when I feel like I’ve reached breaking point and call out to God to do something, anything. There are times I’m at a crossroads with an important decision and I ask if God would mind possibly telling me which path I should take and to do so in a very obvious way like a letter through the door or writing on the wall. These are the moments my faith is tested. Do I really trust God? Do I trust him even when I can’t see his hand at work, even when I can’t hear his reply or even feel his presence? Do I still trust God when I can’t make sense of what I see?

Those times when I’ve shouted I haven’t always seen change in the timescale I’ve demanded or in the way I’d imagined. Those times I felt at breaking point I somehow found the ability to keep going. Those times when I asked for guidance I never got a letter so I made a decision and life went on. I don’t know that God heard my prayers and if he did I don’t necessarily understand his response (or lack of). And yes, there are times when I have prayed out of desperation or frustration “can you actually hear me, because I can’t hear you!”

Sometimes it takes courage to keep trusting, to keep persevering in prayer. I’ve written about this before and I will probably write about it again because it’s important. Hope is choosing to believe through good and bad. Hope requires courage and trust. But once you have hope, it’s one of the strongest forces and will keep you praying even when it seems like God doesn’t hear you. Because you choose to believe he does hear and trust he has a plan you can’t see from where you are.

Choose hope. Keep praying.

A boat is safe in the harbour… – lent 2023

I guess it’s a kind of proverb: a boat is safe in the harbour – but that’s not what they are built for. It’s an inspirational quite attributed to a number of people and which I stumbled across a few years ago while looking for something else entirely. It’s a quote that has stuck in my mind and has even coloured some of my decisions.

I do think it an interesting analogy. A ship can look all shiny and new and not risk getting battered and scraped or even capsized and sunk, but then what is the point of the boat? Most boats are not made to just be works of art. They may have graceful lines and draw the eye, but they are first and foremost a mode of transport designed to face the elements.

The problem is that inevitably the ship will get blown around and will get knocked about – it’s unavoidable in the day to day dealings of boats. The only way to avoid it is to stay in harbour – and thereby fail to fulfil the purpose for which it has been made.

The same can be said for us. We can stay where we are safe. Maybe that’s in a place of work or a geographical location that is known to us, or maybe that’s quite simply our homes or even our beds. We can stay safe and know that we won’t get battered and bruised. We can look at the experiences of others or even our own past experiences and think it’s better to just stay safe. It’s tempting at times!

When a ship has been battered it needs to be repaired so it returns to harbour and spends some time there while it is taken care of – dents hammered out, leaks patched up, new lick of paint. Then there is a choice – keep it in tip-top condition in the harbour or head out for more adventures.

When we have been knocked about or worn down, we also need to recuperate. We need to slow ourselves to heal and recover. Then we have a choice – stay safe or take a chance.

There’s a sermon I remember from when I was still a child. I don’t remember much, but I remember the tag line: don’t take care, take risks. Jesus’ disciples could have chosen a quiet life. They could have stayed in their safe jobs in their hometown and lived long lives. But they would have missed out on so much. They chose to take a risk and follow Jesus and they got battered and bruised on the way, and none of them died peacefully in their beds, but they also got to walk with, talk with and learn from Jesus himself. They got to see miracles first hand. They chose to leave the harbour and it was worth it.

I know from experience that choosing to take a risk, choosing to leave the harbour can lead to life-changing experiences. I also know that it can lead to getting knocked flat. Which means I also know that sometimes we need to limp back to our ‘safe harbour’, where ever that may be, and get ‘repaired’ or at least give ourselves time to recover. But that doesn’t mean we have to stay in the harbour. More adventures await.

We have that choice. We can choose to not risk getting hurt. But then we also choose to limit our experiences. Or we can choose to take a risk and get knocked down but also know that we will see things we never imagined. I know which I would rather. Which is God calling you to do?

The widows mite – lent 2023

I was at a charity fundraiser this evening. I was one of the ones holding the bucket (and card machine – welcome to 2023!). I was struck by people’s generosity. Lots were putting in paper money and my bucket was almost overflowing. But in the midst of all of this someone came and, it seemed to me, tried to hide the money they were putting in. Glimpsing between their fingers I could see that the coins were smaller silver coins – 5p and 20p pieces.

A few things struck me. People were giving what they could to a cause they believed in. Some gave large amounts, so small amounts, but most seemed to give something. (To clarify, I wasn’t standing at the entrance/exit barring the way until people gave. I was standing off to one side trying to look friendly!)

But it also struck me that this one person tried to hide their gift. I’m not making judgement on the person – any gift, big or small, is gratefully received by charitable causes. And I don’t know what their situation was, whether they didn’t have much cash on them, whether they didn’t have much cash in general or whether they simply didn’t want to give much – that’s not for me to know. Rather I was struck by the act of trying to hide it.

Let’s imagine, for a moment, that this person didn’t have much and what they gave was out of the little they had. There was no big shout of, “look what I’m doing! Aren’t I generous?!” (Not that any of the people there actually did that – but some did make a big thing of flourishing paper). No, instead there was a desire to give something done unobtrusively. No one but me could see what was donated. But maybe there was also a little embarrassment that they could only give a little. OK, maybe I’m reading into it too much. But they were definitely covering the coins from sight.

Jesus is in the temple and watches someone important give some money to the temple. Its a large sum but probably not money he would miss in the grand scheme of things. Then a widow comes and gives a small amount. But she doesn’t have much and she gives from that small amount she has, possibly all she had, and she definitely would feel it. It would probably be the difference between a meal and am empty tummy. And yet she gave with no complaint, no hesitation.

He gave so he was seen to give. She gave because she wanted to. He gave from a place of pride. She gave from a place of faithfulness. I was reminded of that tonight.

I wonder how often we give (money, time, skills) from a place of pride or the need to be seen or, worse, from a place of duty. Or do we give from a desire to serve God, from a place of faithfulness and trust. What are our motives? The amount is not important. I’m not telling you to give more. I’m asking you to think about why you give (or not). What motivates you? Fear? Worry? Hubris?

Love?

What a beautiful rainbow! – lent 2023

I was driving home today in the drizzle and I saw a rainbow in the sky. From where I was I could see the end if the rainbow landing among some trees not far from me. (Yes, I know it was an optical illusion). I’ve never seen that before, I’ve always seen the colours in the sky landing somewhere in the distance behind houses or hills. But this one was close. And I thought, “What a beautiful rainbow!”

Is a rainbow ever anything but beautiful? Have you ever heard of an ugly rainbow? I haven’t. A rainbow is intrinsically beautiful.

In the bible, the rainbow is a reminder to God of his promise never to destroy humankind with a flood that covers the earth again. (That seems very specific to me, but maybe it means never cause such worldwide devastation and destruction?). It is a symbol of hope for us, to see it and remember the covenant God made with us, a covenant for a fresh start. It’s a sign of grace and mercy on all people, that never again will God wipe out the sinful from the earth. Instead, we get Jesus come to save the sinners.

A rainbow needs two things: rain and sunlight. It’s a symbol of hope because after the rain comes something that can’t be anything but beautiful. A symbol of hope and love, a rainbow if encouragement to keep going, a promise that something better is yet to come. A rainbow is a reminder that God hasn’t given up and reassurance that we shouldn’t either.

And maybe it represents life for us. Our life has good and bad in it, it has both rain and sun. Which means, our lives become rainbows – something so beautiful that nothing can take away from it.

Keep going, remember God’s promise and love, and keep your eyes peeled for rainbows

The gardener and the carpenter – lent 2023

The gardener and the carpenter is the title of a book on parenting. I haven’t read the book (I’m not a parent) but the premise behind it caught my imagination so I read a quick synopsis. The essence is that when parenting, it is not the job of a parent to dictate and therefore carefully shape the mind of the child, but to create an environment where the child can explore and discover. A carpenter thinks they can transform the wood into a chair. A gardener knows they don’t actually have control over their plants but aims to create the best conditions for the plants to flourish.

How is this relevant? Over time I have heard Christians take a different view on how God works with us. Some say God preordained our lives and things are fixed. Others say God gave us free will and we choose our path. Those are the two extremes, neither of which sit well with me. I’ve also heard God compared to a master chess player, but in my mind we are either the opponent (we’re not) or we’re mindless pawns (we’re not that either!)

The bible talks about God’s plan. Psalm 139 talks about all out days being written before we were born and Jeremiah is often quoted – “I know the plans I have for you”. However, there is also writing about choices. John’s Gospel has Jesus saying, “Anyone who chooses to do the will of God”, and back in Genesis Adam ans Eve make a choice to eat the fruit which is clearly not God’s specific plan. The bible doesn’t give a definite answer.

So when I came across this analogy something clicked for me. God could have been a carpenter. Indeed, looking at the creation story God played the roll of the carpenter, transforming matter into a world with seas and land, plants and animals and, eventually, humans. But then he changed. He became a gardener, giving mankind the best possible circumstances to grow and flourish. OK, it didn’t turn out quite right, but in a garden, the gardener knows that their plans may be thwarted by pests or weather.

So this is where the analogy fails a little. God could do something where a gardener couldn’t. But that’s where rhe element of love comes in. God could be a carpenter, dictating how everything should happen and we would all become examples of perfect ‘chairs’. But that wasn’t what God originally designed. He designed us to be thinking, growing beings. He created us all unique and part of life is to discover who we are. God has created the circumstances for us to discover that. Sometimes external factors knock us, sometimes the pests and the weather mean its a battle to grow. Sometimes, our choices are the things that marr the garden. But through it all, the loving gardener is there to tend and to feed. He doesn’t give up thinking the garden is hopeless and not worth the hard work. He knows that as we grow and bloom we will discover and adventure and love.

Bigger picture – lent 2023

Sunday has come around again already, so another comic from ‘Joyful Toons’ – this one for anyone who is struggling. Its easy to loom at the things that are going wrong and focus on them, but if you want, look around at the good stuff as well. Try and remember that God has a bigger plan and may that help you to find peace in your heart and the flicker of hope to keep going.

Look around – lent 2023

A friend and I went out to a local garden, the sort you pay to enter with multiple cafes and plants of all kinds from around the world. There were so many colours, even on a gray cloudy day in a cold snap. There were plants of every colour, some big and some small, some standing proud and some hidden among leaves. You could walk around a smell their fragrance, and feel the humidity and see how each plant had adapted to its environment.

As I walked I was again struck by how varied the world is. I was seeing a small selection of plants in one small snippet of the year and there were more varieties than I could count. God’s creation is so much wider than I can possibly grasp, so much variety that we could never see it all. It makes me stop and wonder again at the God who made me, who continued to create until he had made mankind. All of these wonderful, colourful, beautiful elements were a small segment of the world. The same care taken in making the delicate petals with appealing scents and the towering trunks that offer shade also went in to making you and me.

Take a moment. You don’t have to go to a special gardens, although there is a lot of variety. You could just look out the window. Stop and take it in. Look around at the creation. And remember you are a part of it.

It’s not just a chair… – lent 2023

At the place where I work there is a chair. It’s not an outstanding chair, in fact it’s pretty basic. It’s made from wood, has 4 legs and a back. In fact, this chair started in one office where it wasn’t really wanted and just got in the way. So it got moved, dumped really in a other office. It was adopted by my colleague who worked in that office. She loves the chair. In fact, we had a big office clear out to get rid of the bits and bobs that build up over time as staff come and go. The colleague wasn’t in that day and sent a special message asking us to make sure we kept that chair.

A few weeks ago, we talked about the chair. I mentioned how it had been shoved about because it was no use and in the way in another (smaller) room. My colleague (someone who sees the positive everywhere) looked at the chair and then at me and said, “it’s not just a chair. Here it is a chair, an extension of my desk, something nice to look at, somewhere visitors can sit and an extra table that can be moved to where its needed.” (OK, I may have remember the details wrong, but she did reel off a list of 4 or five things it was other than ‘just a chair’!)

I wonder if you can relate to that chair? Have you ever been somewhere that you just don’t fit, where you feel like you’re in the way and not really wanted? Maybe some have looked at you and thought (or maybe even told you) that you’re a waste of space or just neglected you through no fault of your own.

There’s a lesson here from this simple tale about a chair. When we moved the chair, we found somewhere it did belong and someone who valued it.

No matter what some situations or circumstances tell us, we are not unwanted or a waste of space. We are children of God, loved and valued and very much wanted. We have a place in God’s kingdom. And until that time, maybe we need to try a different ‘room’ where we will find a person or people who will see all of our potential. Maybe we need to find people who look at us and see that we’re not just one thing, but have so much more to offer when we are embraced and given a chance.

If a chair is not just a chair, neither are we just one thing. Go out as children of God and show the world all you can be.