Hunting for God: Solitude

And… we’re back! Well I am. Back to hunting for a deeper relationship through what are lovingly called Spiritual Disciplines. And I guess they are disciplines because they need self-discipline to properly explore them. But I think I may have said before that they shouldn’t be strict or harsh – then they become religious exercises. They are things found in the bible which bring clarity from or closeness with God, and can usual be found in what Jesus did or taught. A lot would have been a part of culture at the time and means that modern society doesn’t necessarily lend itself to doing them in the same way today.

So, solitude! In a time and place where smartphones means we are easily contactable, where jobs can take up all our free time, where families and household chores can eat into our spare time and when we do find some free time it can be tempting to just curl up with a book(/movie/game/hobby…)

Solitude – in a time when lonliness affects a large percentage of society (at least in my country), especially students/young adults and the elderly, so is something to be avoided at all costs

Solitude – when finding silence is hard to do. When, even with streaming services and catch up, programmes like Gogglebox or Love Island demand that you are up-to-date, when sporting events require you to be in a specific place at a specific time or FOMO might hit.

Which brings me to solitude as a discipline I have been exploring. Jesus withdrew to a quiet place to experience some alone time with his Father, but he did it often. I found I had to quite intentionally plan time and then quite intentionally commit to actually following through and not getting distracted.

Within the last fortnight I had the opportunity to go on a sponsored 10 mile walk in the beautiful Surrey/Hampshire countryside. With in that walk there was time to talk to the people I was walking with, but also time where we would walk in silence and reflect/connect with God. And it was in that time that I realised how powerful solitude is as a discipline. It was in that time that I was reminded that God isn’t interested in comparing me to others on the journey (not just on the 10-mile walk journey but also the metaphorical journey that we all take otherwise known as life…), but God is interested in where I am on that journey spiritually, emotionally, mentally and yes, physically. I was also reminded that Jesus, while he did seek out alone time, also sought out time with friends, and when he was at his lowest moment he sought strength and companionship from his friends. And if that’s what Jesus modelled, it’s ok for me to do that too.

What I’ve also discovered is that silence, something I used to love then grew to avoid, is actually not scary. I can drive along without music playing. I can sit and not need to listen to music on Spotify (even if it is worship music – there’s a time for both). And actually, it doesn’t matter if I’m not completely up-to-date on the latest TV show – spoilers, while unfortunate, actually do no lasting damage. But setting aside time for God in solitude, to listen, maybe meditate a little on a scripture without studying it but just letting the truth of it really sink in has been good for me.

Too often I’m trying to keep up with everyone else. Too often I am comparing myself and finding myself falling short. Too often I’m trying to go alone and not share weaknesses with anyone. Guess what? That’s the opposite of what God wants. In Psalm 139, each of us is made unique. Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane shares his weakness with God and calls on his friends for support.

And through setting aside time to spend in solitude with God, I was reminded of the good stuff I bring to the team. At work, I may not be the tidiest or most organised worker, but I will muck in and encourage others. What I bring to the team is just as valuable. And I was reminded that it is ok to ask for help – that doesn’t make me a burden to the people around me, it makes me human.

Solitude is hard to come by, and hard to keep up. But so far, in the small moments I have managed to work it into my diary, it has been a huge blessing to me in renewing myself and letting God speak. 2 more weeks, and I may have found a way to work it into my week (I’ll let you know, that’s gonna be the tricky bit!)

God equips the called

I was going to tag this on to the last post but as I was writing I felt it was important enough to deserve it’s own page. 6 weeks without posting, then twice in one day!

I have written before about how important my friends have been as I have learnt about having a relationship with God. I have said how much they have inspired and encouraged me and pointed me towards God, and they are part of the reason I have the conviction I have and can hold out hope for the future with God.

I have been reminded recently that our friends, no matter how well meaning can sometimes get things wrong. Sometimes what they see and how they communicate that hurts. But God is the true measure. Spending time learning to discern his voice means that when those comments land and hurt, we can turn to God. And if those comments make us start to doubt, we can trust in God to lead the way. People make mistakes, God doesn’t. People see the surface, God sees the heart. People see who we have been, God sees who we are, and who we will be. If in doubt, read Psalm 139. Better yet, spend some time talking to God and trusting that God will talk to you. Yes, God will sometimes need to point out behaviours we should grow out of, but God will also equip us to be able to do that. And sometimes God calls us to step out where others don’t think we should go. But remember God sees who we could be. Trust God to equip you to do what he has called you into. God doesn’t called the equipped, he equips the called.

Hunting for God: Worship 4 (a little late!)

So, I’m back! Got the final week of exploring worship to write about, so I’ll start there.

I had a really interesting conversation with a friend about what counts as a song of worship. There are a lot of Christian songs out there, but do they all count as worship songs? My friend made the distinction that some songs are songs of praise about God, some are songs of thankfulness about what God has done for us, but actual songs of worship are songs where the lyrics are directed to God. Worship songs are what we sing from our hearts to God, about who God is. They are songs of adoration.

It’s an interesting way of looking at things when picking songs for worship. It’s possible to get so tied up with knowing which songs are appropriate and which are self-indulgent rather than worshipful. My journey has taught me that in a sense, it doesn’t matter if the attitude of the heart is in the right place. Otherwise we risk it become a religious ritual that doesn’t help.

I’ve found, as always, when I find the time and space to look to God, God always meets me there. There you are, another reason (or maybe the same reason rehashed) why I have hope in God; when I stop in the middle of whatever stresses or problems I am in, turn to God and say “God, I know you are good because that is who you are,” I find a sense of peace I have come to recognise as God’s presence. When I come to a place of not trying to juggle things alone, a weight lifts from my shoulders. And when I don’t find the time to do that, I get overwhelmed and the people around me get a worse version of me. But God never lets me down and always welcomes me back.

Which brings me nicely onto the short break from posting. Some periods in life are busy, and the last month has been exactly that for me. Busy, intense, full-on, trying to keep too many people happy… Keeping hold of the good habits from previous disciplines has been hard without trying a new one! So I’m building back up again – intentional prayer time, making some time in a week to read the bible, planning in some times to fast in order to focus on God, and, of course, some time to worship and how to incorporate that into my day.

The next period is less busy, so I’m hoping to try at least one more discipline – the discipline of solitude.

Hunting for God: Worship weeks 2 and 3

Who knew that exploring the discipline of worship would be so challenging? Ok, to be fair the clue is in the word ‘discipline’, but it’s another of those things that people don’t really teach about. If you worship together with others, everyone just sort of does it. If you entered a church (pre-Covid) you would probably either find some serious people dressed in robes singing hymns in 4-parts and others standing still with hymn books looking very serious, or else you would find a band on stage, some lights, some words on a screen and a lot of people swaying with their arms in the air as they sang, maybe waving flags, maybe falling to their knees…

The things is, I never really learnt how to worship. I learnt how to sing, but worship is about so much more than that. Worshipping God is more than music, it is bringing our hearts to praise God with all that we are: body, mind, spirit and emotion. The book I keep dipping into, Richard Foster’s ‘Celebration of Discipline’ says ‘we need not be overly concerned with the question of a correct form for worship‘. If you think about it, that makes sense. I’ve said before that God has made each of us unique, we are all different. And worship involves all that we are, so it will be a little different for each person. None of this comparison rubbish that I mentioned in my previous post. But that also means that authentic worship requires the courage to be vulnerable and to surrender to God. We need to be prepared to be completely honest with God, letting go of all worries, fears and insecurities.

Foster also says ‘singing is meant to move us into praise. It provides a medium for the expression of emotion’. What I get from that is music is one way to worship. If you find expressing emotion easier through art or dance, then I think that can also be worship. Worship also has a focus on praising God, speaking out who God is, giving thanks for what he has done.

Corporate worship is about doing that in the presence of others. But I have another book to help me this month. It’s called ‘Worship Without Limits’ by Philip Renner. It’s more aimed at people leading others into worship (and I am definitely not in that place yet!) but it does stress the importance that worship together will only ever be a reflection of what we do at home in our private lives. It’s about how we live our lives.

‘It’s a lifestyle when we get up, a lifestyle when we go to bed, a lifestyle in the movies and music we choose. It’s a lifestlye in the way we speak to our parents, our kids, our coworkers, and our employers. Worship is a lifestyle that reflects God’s glory to those around us in every situation’

The book (at least the bit I’ve read so far) talks about focusing on seeking God and allowing God to change us. This final quote has been really powerful to me. ‘

What makes worship so powerful and life changing is our own personal relationship with God

So in my understanding, the reason prayer and worship are so often linked together is because of how much overlap there is. They are both about being honest and vulnerable with God, about expressing emotion, about allowing God to change us. They should both be things do everyday. In fact, they should both be things we are doing all the time as we keep a constant dialogue with God. In prayer, we shouldn’t be afraid to ask God for everything we need, we shouldn’t be afraid to be honest about hurts and disappointments. And in worship we should be ready to praise God for what he has done and who he is. So studying the bible helps us to know more of who God is, but so does prayer and seeing God answer prayers. They all build together to help us create a stronger bond with God.

I am not yet at that place of having a constant dialogue with God. Too often I find myself nearly overwhelmed with frustrations and worries. But I am getting better at remembering to bring them to God before they completely crush me. A couple of nights ago I was hugely frustrated by different jobs/roles I am currently trying to juggle, and I was worried about a number of people I love dearly, and was just generally feeling low and I felt a prompting to look out of the window. I saw a beautiful sunset. Not a powerful red or orange, but a collection of pastel purples, blues and pinks painted across the clouds – colours that speak to me of peace. And I remembered that I can trust God and surrender my worries to him. A verse from Matthew’s gospel came to mind:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light’

And I found myself singing a song ‘Worthy of it all’, just a reminder of how much bigger God is than anything I face. (I’ll put a link to a great video of this song at the bottom of this post.

This is turning into a longer post than I had intended but I just wanted to share what I have been discovering because worship is another of those things that people in church just do and sometimes those of us in a church just copy for the sake of fitting in without really seeing what is going on under the surface, and sometimes for those looking in from outside it just looks strange and can put those people off from really experiencing God. True worship seems to start in the home, in the heart, not with lights, instruments and hand waving, and not with robes, long words and serious faces (although both of those options are a way of expressing worship for different types of people!)

I’ve got one more week on this discipline and I honestly have no idea what it will look like, but I know I’m going to try and be constantly praying and worshipping, all day every day, and see what that looks like. Not for anyone else, but because I want to go deeper with God, which is the reason I started this hunt back in March. How about you, are you still searching for God?

(link to the song I mentioned: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LK-YjYcIP8Q )

Hunting for God: Worship week 1

What a time to explore what worship means while hunting for God! It’s the next discipline in Jo Swinney’s book, but current restrictions…

Here’s how I understand it: Worship is an attitude of the heart of praising God and being humble in his presence. It is to be done alone and with others. However, have you tried singing together on Zoom?! So worshipping with others will be interesting.

The thing is it actually suits me to be able to step outside of my camera and worship. Nobody can see me nobody can hear me, and I can be myself with God without caring what others think. I can put a play list on of songs that help me focus on God and I can dance like no one is watching (because no one is, or at least no one that’s going to judge my lack of dancing talent). Anyone else feel the same?

I have some great Christian friends who have no problem focusing on God and just worshipping without worrying about what’s going on around them. That’s not helpful. I find myself comparing myself, which definitely isn’t humbly focusing on God!

OK, as this month goes on, I need to explore ways of being able to worship God in the presence of others (and in a way that is Covid safe…)

I’m also going to be more intentional about worshipping privately. I want it to be more than just bunging on a premade playlist when I happen to have time. I’ve done a bit of reading to get some help, but I think I’m going to enjoy this month of exploring the discipline more than last month (the discipline of study is really hard, and I didn’t really leave last month with any new habits that will stick!)

This should be a good discipline for beginners. If you’re new to this, check out the month of prayer and try that, but exploring this month of worship is probably a good one to explore. The thing is when I get into the mood of worship, I find a lot of my worries and stresses lift off my shoulder. Stick with me this month and give it a go yourself. Give yourself a chance to experience God.

Hunting for God: Study and the bible week 3 and 4

I didn’t write last week, partly because I didn’t have much to report, and partly because this month I’m aiming to walk 21,000 steps a day and I was exhausted. That means I also didn’t have a huge amount of energy to read books, because I couldn’t manage to concentrate on the words.

As I mentioned in the last post, I was going to focus on study of non-books. When walking the required steps for my challenge I’ve spent a lot of time observing things around me.

One of the places I went was a local pond. I walked a lot and watched the way the water fowl interacted. I saw ducklings at different stages of their development. Small ducklings stick close to mother duck, slightly older ducklings want to explore, and adolescent ducklings sleep a lot…

Geese are a little temperamental. If you feed them, they want more food. If you don’t feed them, they hiss at you… If they’re bored they honk at each other and without warning, they might suddenly decide they don’t like their neighbour and chase them away. (Watching geese from a distance is actually quite amusing!)

Swans are much quieter and keep to themselves more. This may in part have been because one was sitting on a nest. In my last visit they were swimming around with 5 cygnets which was really uplifting to watch.

The robins in the trees posed for photos, but the blue tit was very jumpy. Squirrels would run around, pause on a tree until I got my phone camera out, then run to the opposite side of the tree.

It was fun to make up stories about the residents of the pond, having spent a number of hours over a couple of weeks observing them.

So, turns out the discipline of study and the bible did not come very easy to me. I think there are seasons where I can engage with this discipline, but walking 21,000 steps is not the correct season…a

Ah well, next week is a new discipline. Meanwhile, enjoy the picture of the ducklings from the pond!

Hunting for God: Study and the Bible week 2

So, turns out being disciplined in study is actually very hard to do when restrictions are lifting and we are allowed to start seeing people again! Who knew?!

Anyway, I’ve done my best. I haven’t managed to read and take in a complete chapter of any book. (I’ve managed the whole ‘read the same line multiple times and still not understand it’ thing though…) I have read through Titus almost everyday, and read some of Tom Wright’s commentary on it. (If you are looking, Tom Wright writes excellent and accessible commentaries called ‘[book of the bible] for everyone’.) Its great because its so short (1 and a bit pages in my bible) which meant I could read and digest what it was saying. And being able to read it multiple times, I could unlock different layers within the writing (Shrek anyone?)

On first read through, it’s a book about leadership and teaching, and about integrity and goodness. 2nd read through, we should lead by example. 3rd read through: appoint leaders based on their actions not their words. Teach people to teach people, always point to God, and set an example. There’s a warning about divisiveness, we are saved by God’s grace, and we should encourage and help others on their own journeys. Then I dipped into the commentary and Tom suggests the reason the letter is so specific about leadership qualities is because it is better to not appoint a leader if the right person can’t be found rather than appoint a bad leader. It’s an interesting concept!

The bible app (Bible in one year): I didn’t quite manage everyday, but there are some great nuggets of wisdom in the 5 days I did do. One of the days, all of the passages linked with integrity in all areas of life and not compartmentalising. I really enjoy having the passages and wisdom from another to link them together, and I find I get more out of the passage than when I read it alone.

I’m going to spend a lot of time outside in the next week so thought I’d try out some of what Richard Foster calls ‘nonverbal’ books (nature, people etc). Maybe I’ll be more successful at that than in studying theological books!

Hunting for God: Study and the Bible

4 weeks of exploring prayer. 4 weeks of exploring fasting. The next one in the book is 4 weeks of bible study.

Now I have a reasonable knowledge of the bible. I am by no means a biblical scholar but I know enough to be able to quote encouraging verses, and I know a lot of the stories and characters which I can channel into teaching and relating the bible to present circumstances.

So in order to get the most out of this for me, I read through what Jo Swinney’s had done (in God Hunting) and I dipped into Richard Foster’s book ‘Celebration of Discipline’. As per the previous disciplines, Swinney uses a different style every week to explore the bible. Foster sort of splits the bible into meditation and study, but goes quite deep into each. For this 4 week exploration of the bible I’ve decided I’m going to focus on the study element and bring mediation in for a future discipline.

Foster splits study down further into study of books and study of ‘nonverbal’ books (basically the world around us and ourselves). He talks about studying the bible by reading whole books to appreciate the shape of the narrative as you would any other book (not just taking a chunk out of context), he talks about reading a shorter book daily for a prolonged period (he suggests a month) which will get the structure in your mind and bring forward different bits of the book in each read through. He suggests supplimenting reading the book by reading other Christian literature by theologians. He talks about studying nature, properly (not just looking and saying “nice flower”) and he suggests studying other people, not with a view of judging them (biblically called splinter and plank) but in order to learn and understand. And he talks about studying ourselves, our triggers, what controls us. Again, not to be introspective or to beat ourselves up but with humility to experience grace.

OK, tall order! What do I currently do? I follow the ‘bible in one year’ app (although I’m a little behind) which includes an old testament passage, a new testament passage and a psalm/proverbs passage plus commentary, and I get a daily bible reading emailed to me (although again, I don’t manage to read it everyday…) I have a book of bible verses I dip into when I need reminding of who God is and who I am to him. I am part of a monthly bible study group working through Mark’s Gospel, and a weekly group who sort of do bible study every week. It sounds a lot, but honestly I’m not sure how much I get out of the weekly bible study and I struggle to keep up with the monthly one. So what can I usefully do to deepen my understanding of God this month?

I am going to try some different things and see what actually helps me. I have a stack of books by theologians to keep me busy, I’d like to spend time reading through Titus (because I don’t think I’ve ever read it… and it’s quite a small book!) I’m going to try and be disciplined with the bible app and listen everyday. And… well, maybe that’s enough for now. There are only so many hours in a day and I don’t feel led to withdraw from everything and become a recluse for the next three weeks!

But I spent some time Week 1 reflecting on what the bible means to me. My bible is genuinely one of the key things I own. It’s one of the first things packed when going away and I (almost) always know where it is. I believe all of it is ‘divinely inspired’ (many human authors, God speaking through all of them). The types of books within the bible range in genre (poetry, history, law…) and the original audiences varied too (hence four gospels telling the same story – each was writing to a different set of people). I believe it is important to know some context, such as what was society like when the book was written and who is Jesus speaking to/Paul writing to. But I also believe there is relevance to us today which we can glean from the pages by being wise and by discussing with and learning from others. I find hope in reading the bible because when you take all of it together, it is a story of God’s love for us and his faithfulness to us through the ages. Some times it looks like God has left his people but then you keep reading and you see there was a plan all along. That gives me hope to keep going myself. God has always had a plan, and I trust that plan. And I find the bible is a good way of learning about God, but also about how I should behave as a Christian. I trust the bible is God’s words.

When I spent a month exploring prayer I learnt to be honest and found joy and peace. When I spent a month exploring fasting I learnt humility and developed self discipline. I’m looking forward to seeing what develops through this month of studying the bible.

Hunting for God: Fasting, Final Week

So here we are, the final week of fasting. Once again posting on the wrong day. No excuse, just ran out of time due to other commitments like being able to see my family in person for the first time in 4 months.

Although I’ve still got a further 10 days of my personal fast, this is the last post about it for this blog. So I will be starting a new discipline for my next post. But, as promised, I am being honest with you. I ate a custard tart last week. Not because I gave into temptation, but because not to would have caused offence to the person who bought it for me. And I think that’s an important distinction to draw. When doing the disciplines becomes just following rules, it becomes religious and unhelpful.

Anyway, I have found exploring fasting to be helpful in my relationship with God. Sometimes it is easy to forget to bring God into the everyday, but at the moment whenever I feel the urge to reach for something sweet it’s a reminder to turn my mind back to God.

One of the other things I have been doing this week is reflecting on Psalm 51 and I was reminded of the reason I am doing this journey through the disciplines.

Create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me (Psalm 51 v. 10)

For me personally it is about finding ways to keep my relationship with God fresh. It’s about finding ways to keep myself holding on to the hope that I have in God, keeping my eyes open to what he is doing in my life and the world around me. So renewing within me a reliance on God, but also seeking God and letting my heart come in line with his.

I only managed one chapter of the Brennan Manning book. It was a slow read, but all about the glory of God. Worth pondering over, but not got any good quotes to share.

What my month of fasting has shown me:

  • Fasting helps me remember to bring God into what I do throughout the day. It is helpful to know that in the future, if I find myself drifting away from God, I have a tool to help me find my way back.
  • Fasting reminds me of my weakness and has helped to humble me and force me to surrender some of my problems to God instead of trying to fix them all myself.
  • Fasting is something I have found to be liberating and has left me feeling better. In using my will and self-discipline to not indulge myself as the rest of the world tells me I should do, I have had my eyes opened to further to the goodness and faithfulness God has showed me.
  • I have come up against some unexpected and tricky situations, but fasting has helped me turn to God first for my comfort. Fasting will definitely play a part in my walk with God in the future, although exactly what form that will take I am not sure.

I need to double check, but I think the next discipline centers on the bible, so I will report back at the end of the week (or maybe the beginning of next week as my weekly rhythm seems to have changed somewhat).

If you are still following this journey, I can recommend exploring fasting. Start small and build up, but whatever you do, search for God while you are doing it. God meets those who seek him!

Hunting for God: Fasting week 3

It’s a strange feeling to get to the end of a week and stop to reflect. This week’s post is also a couple of days late, but only because I’ve been trying to work out what to say. I made a note in my journal in the middle of the week about how exhausted and vulnerable I feel, how the urge to give in gets stronger the longer I fast and how that in itself becomes a distraction from focusing on God. I made a note that I needed to discover the humility to kneel.

And then something seemed to switch in my brain. It was as I was watching an episode of Celebrity Best Home Cook and watching them make lemon meringue pies and profiteroles feeling that longing to eat them, remembering the flavour and texture of my favourite puddings. It was as I was feeling yet another energy slump and not being able to reach for my usual quick-fix pick-me-up biscuit. I realised my longings were real and I do love those puddings and treats. But I love God more. I could give up now. I could reach for a biscuit. The only one stopping me is me.

But there’s a certain peace that comes from realising my own weakness, from getting to the end of endurance, of realising how much I can’t control and falling to my knees in surrender and humility. There’s beauty in putting God in his proper place in my life, not as a last resort, but as the centre, the first place I go to for comfort. It comes from accepting my own faults and weaknesses and also having to trust in God’s goodness.

It may seem a trivial thing, giving up sweet treats; it’s certainly not as hard core as giving up all food. But it’s not so much the ‘what’ as the ‘why’ that is important. By engaging my will, by exercising self control, I am showing myself and God how serious I am about seeking him and putting him first. It’s showing myself I don’t have to listen to the inner voice that causes me to doubt or believe lies about myself that people or experiences of the past have left me with, because my focus is on God.

I spent this week reflecting on Psalm 103. It’s another beautiful psalm (although to be fair I could say that about most of them). There’s plenty of verses worth memorising. But it’s the last three verses that have stuck with me:

Praise the Lord, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word

Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will.

Praise the Lord, all his works everywhere in his dominion

Praise the Lord, my soul

Somehow, I needed to remember that God is God of all things. He is good because that is who he is, not because of what he does. No, things don’t always feel great. Yes, there is pain and suffering and things I can’t explain, excuse of understand. But God sees a bigger picture. God uses things for good. Sometimes, I just need to trust that God is good and find a way to say “praise the Lord, my soul”.

The book that I’ve been reading this week, ‘Ruthless Trust’ by Brennan Manning has particularly brought this message home to me. I was struck by this quote:

When we get waylaid from our walk with God by business, depression, family problems or worse, God does not abandon us. Nor, if we walk the way of trust, do we abandon God. When we wander off the path, that trust puls us back; and we do not flinch, hesitate or worry about being unwelcome in the Father’s arms. No matter where we are on the journey, we have a quiet confidence that our trust in God’s love gives God immense pleasure.

It is a good book, but I would say only read it if you are ready to be challenged in your relationship with God. Its full of poignant truths and humble stories (although I haven’t finished it yet) but I have been deeply challenged by how to take the words from the page and live them out.

I have one more week of fasting to follow Jo Swinney’s book before the next discipline (although another 17 days before I will be allowing myself to taste chocolate again) and I wonder what more I will discover. I feel like my mindset has changed drastically since the last post, so apologies if my tone has changed and this isn’t what you expected.

For the final week I will be focusing on Psalm 51 instead of scrolling, and I will spend more time physically kneeling as a sign of humility and surrender. And, of course, I will be reading more of the book and will share any nuggets of wisdom. Just an encouragement to any out there who have never fasted: if you make the space God will meet you in it, and in my experience, will meet you in ways you didn’t imagine. Because God is good, and that is why I have hope for the future.