Hunting for God: Prayer week 3

After three weeks I do feel like this has been a useful hunt for me. Each week I’ve come to this point and feel like I have something worth sharing. I’m aware this is a hope blog, so what I’m hoping is that anyone reading this will see how my hunt for a deeper relationship with God is seeing fruit without me doing anything that can’t be done by everyone. I share what I find in the hope it will encourage you in your walk with God, to discover more about his love and care for you, or to dare to discover God for the first time. I share because, even though I feel I have a faith I can rely on, I want to go deeper and hope I always will.

Anyway, after another week of hunting through prayer, here’s what I’ve got to share with you.

Last week I set myself the goal of using the Anglican Night Prayer liturgy. I’d tried using the Examen (see previous post) but hadn’t found it useful. I did find Night Prayer useful. The structure at the end of the day kept me focused on God, the repetition helped to keep a routine, and the room for general prayer came after already getting my mind focused on God. I could use that time to bring the worries of the day, the people I love and care about, and the days highlights to God and sleep easier as a result. There’s an app on the phone/tablet called ‘Daily Prayer’ that has all the liturgy and takes a lot of the complication out of it. And because it is widely available, it’s easy to think of others saying the same words and prayers across the world and across the ages. It was easy to feel connected to other Christians. At least for this season, I will continue to use Night Prayer.

My second goal for this week was to keep a prayer journal. I found keeping a specific prayer journal was confusing (as in, I didn’t know what to write) but mainly because I already keep a general journal, and I have a journal for people I pray for which includes some specifics they have asked for prayer for (because otherwise I forget!)

It has been a good discipline to include what I’ve talked to God about in my normal journalling (also helps with journalling honestly). In turn, that has helped me to be honest with God about my worries and concerns instead of censoring myself. So again, I’ve found it a useful practice which I intend to keep up.

There has been an additional discovery this week. In Max Lucado’s book, he sums up prayer as ‘we speak, God listens. God speaks, we listen‘. As I’ve spent more time being honest with God, I’ve found myself able to recognise his voice more. Interestingly, although mornings are not a good time for me to bring my prayers and concerns to God, it is a good time for me to hear God’s voice. I think…

I do have some more nuggets from Lucado’s book. He uses a couple of analogies that are really useful. He talks about his dad being a mechanic and being able to fix things if only Max would ask him to help. How often do we stubbornly refuse to ask for help? He also uses the analogy of a pilot. If you take a flight and know and trust the pilot, if you come across turbulence you don’t worry because you know you’re in good hands. God is a trusted pair of hands. We can bring prayers to him and trust his response. 1 Peter 5:7 says Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

He also used some biblical examples to give some advice. He uses a story of blind beggars crying out for healing as a response for when prayers aren’t answered straight away. His tip is one of encouragement. The blind men cried out persistently, personally and passionately. We should too.

And the story Jesus at the wedding in Cana when they run out of wine. Mary presents the problem to Jesus and leaves it with him. She has complete trust in how he responds. Sometimes we can be tempted to bring a request to God, and then refuse to let go of it and still try to fix it ourselves.

So, persistent, personal and passionate prayer, but also not holding onto worries or anxieties. The point of praying is to bring our cares to God and trust him with them, and therefore to be able to find some peace.

Anyway, one more week of prayer (then we move onto a different discipline!) My goals are to intentionally ask others how I can support them in prayer, and to combine everything I’ve learned so far and just honestly approach God as a father with all my good news and requests and leave them with God instead of holding onto them. Oh, and finish the Max Lucado book.

Hunting for God: Week 2 feedback

So, apart from this being a day late, I also confused myself with the titles! This is what I found after the second week and what I plan to do for the third.

First goal: find someone to pray with. I had a really good conversation with a friend about how hard I find it to pray with other people. She basically told me (in a very loving way) to just get on with it. When we pray together and everyone brings their hearts, of course we will pray different things. That’s the beauty of it. God created each of us differently, and with each of us praying what’s on our own hearts in our own words we add a depth and a richness to prayer that blesses the people around us and the people/places/situations we are praying for. I think I’ve found someone to pray with, and the encouragement to speak up…

Goal 2: Read Max Lucado’s book (Before Amen) more slowly. I haven’t completely finished the book, but I have found some nuggets of gold that are making me reevaluate my prayer relationship with God. First off, what is it that I’m hoping to achieve? Do I want to pray more? Not necessarily. Do I want to pray better? Kinda… What I really want is the kind of prayer life that makes my relationship with God deeper and stronger.

Jesus prayed everywhere and for everything. The 12 disciples asked Jesus to teach them to pray. Jesus gave them a simple prayer. To quote the book: Father, you are good. I need help. Heal me and forgive me. They need help. Thank you. In Jesus name, Amen. It’s so simple, it’s so stripped back. There is no comparison. It is simply honest.

It’s approaching God the way a small child approaches a loving Father. No fancy phrases, no comparing my troubles to another’s and thinking their not as big. Just sharing everything: joys, disappointments, fears, hopes, requests, mistakes. Place doesn’t matter, fancy language doesn’t matter. Heart matters.

There’s another quote from the book: ‘life has enough burdens without the burden of praying correctly’. I have been so busy thinking my struggles are so much smaller and less significant compared to others that I don’t bring them to God. But God isn’t like that. He doesn’t think less of me because I have smaller problems right now. I am his daughter and he cares. It is not for me to filter what I bring to him, assuming he cares more for bigger problems. God is bigger than that.

I’m going to keep going, searching for more nuggets, but that has completely changed the way I look at prayer, and the way I view my relationship with God, especially with goal 4 (find a daily slot of intentional time to sit with God). No regular time slot has emerged yet, but time to be close and honest with God instead of filtering my feelings has been incredibly liberating this week.

I know, I skipped a goal, but only because goal 4 fitted with what I’d learnt. Goal 3 was explore the Examen. Jo Swinney (in her book God Hunting which started this) explores it and found it helpful. I didn’t find it as helpful, partly because my days look very similar at the moment when we are in lockdown. Although it is good to find some sort of peace of mind at the end of the day, it was also a reminder of the limbo we are currently in. If you don’t know, it’s a simple exercise of focusing on the moment of the day you are most thankful for and the moment of the day you are least grateful for.

For next week, I think I will use the Anglican Book of Common Prayer liturgy for Night Prayer instead. A simple liturgy that centres my focus back on God might be more helpful for my mind right now. So that’s goal number 1 next week. Goal number 2 is going to be keeping a prayer journal. I get to this point, and apart from a few scattered notes I’ve left myself, have to really think back over what I’ve learnt. So this week I am going to record daily and hopefully get into a habit that will persist long after this period of ‘Hunting for God’. I’m also going to keep reading the Max Lucado book. Seriously, it’s fab. I recommend it!

Hunting for God: Prayer week 2

I started this week with 2 goals. I figured I’d start small and develop some sustainable habits so I could grow from there. As a recap from last weeks post, my two goals were to pray simply and regularly, and to find someone to pray with. My longer term goals are to get over being self-conscious in praying in front of others (prayer is for the benefit of God, not to make me look good!)

What did I discover? Nothing new or groundbreaking, but at the same time something mind blowing. If pushed for an answer, I would say I am more of an introvert than an extrovert. But the longer this pandemic has gone on, the more my extroverted side has come out longing for company and fellowship. Over the last week I have not filtered those ‘selfish’ thoughts or tried to put them into perspective (‘there are people worse off than me’), I have just sort of chatted with God about pangs of loneliness and longing to hear the voice of a friend. (I am not often the one to reach out because I don’t want to interrupt anyone else’s day) Interestingly enough, within a couple of hours each time, a friend has either sent me a message/email or phoned. Coincidence? Or answer to prayer?

The part that is mind blowing for me? God cares. God cares about my petty little problem of feeling lonely and, I believe, nudged some of my friends to reach out to me. It didn’t just happen once, it happened on three separate occasions over the last week. Yes, the bible says that God cares. Matthew 7: 11 says If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Yes, I know. Sometimes we ask and we don’t get, and at some point on this blog about hope I will write something on unanswered prayer (maybe even over the next couple of weeks!) but this week God did answer these smallest, selfish prayers of mine in a real and compassionate way.

I read a book by Max Lucado called ‘Before Amen’. It’s excellent. I mean it. It’s filled with wisdom, it’s accessible and easy to read, it’s written for the real world, not an unattainable world of holiness, and it flows. It was so easy to read I think I read it in 2 sittings. It was like I couldn’t put it down, it just pulled me further through the book. The problem is, as much as I enjoyed it, I now need to reread it and maybe make a few take-away notes. That’s one of my goals for next week! But there is a beautiful little quote at the end of the first chapter: Prayer is not a priviledge for the pious, not the art of a chosen few. Prayer is simply a heartfelt conversation between God and his child. My fried, he wants to talk with you.

So in terms of goal number 1, I was encouraged that my simple and frequent prayers were heard and answered. I haven’t yet fallen into a routine, but then I don’t really have a routine at the moment because I never know what each week will hold. But that will be another ongoing goal: to find a daily, regular prayer routine that works for me. (I know people say mornings are best, but seriously, I struggle to stay awake…)

Goal number 2… well, let’s just say I may not have gotten round to asking anyone yet. I know, it shouldn’t be a big deal! And yet to me, it is. So that goal carries over to next week. I have continued to meet for structured morning prayer (over Zoom), so it’s not a complete failure! We all have hurdles that need to be overcome, this is one of mine. Please have patience with me!

Ok, maybe a slow start to ‘Hunting for God’, but there were definitely results this week. So goals for next week:
1. (carried over) find someone to prayer with
2. Re-read Max Lucado’s book on prayer
3. (Taken from Jo Swinney’s book) explore the Examen
4. Find a daily slot of intentional time to sit with God

That should be plenty for week two, but I feel I need to make up for week one!

Hunting for God through… Prayer

Apologies, yesterday’s post on what is a spiritual discipline didn’t get uploaded. So here’s the short version:

My understanding is that spiritual disciplines are like building blocks in a growing relationship with God. If you were an athlete you’d have exercises to help you train, and artist of any sort has different techniques to practice in order to constantly improve their technique, and a Christian has Spiritual Disciplines.

Wise spiritual leaders across the years have made a list of 5, 6, 12… Well, lots of different lists exist of what might be called a spiritual discipline. Some say we must do them all, some say we should find the ones that work for us. If you are a deep theological thinker, Richard Foster has a good book called ‘A Celebration of Discipline’.

The thing is, as with sport and art, sometimes the training is hard work and not fun; in fact, it can take a huge amount of motivation. But, as with sport and art, the result of training is, in my opinion, going to be worth it. It is my belief that putting these things into practice will help me develop a closer and stronger relationship with God, and that is something I am serious about.

So, the first discipline: prayer.

Prayer, the discipline we all do…

I would argue that prayer is the most fundamental building block in having a dynamic relationship with God. If I look honestly at my life though, I could do better. Currently, I meet (via Zoom) 2 or 3 times a week for structured Anglican worship in the form of Morning Prayer. I keep a journal of people I intentionally pray for long term with notes of prayer requests and significant dates. At least once a week I will set aside some time to listen (although recently I’ve had my own agenda in these times). And when I wake up ridiculously early but don’t really want to get up, I pray for whatever happens to be on my heart (because either I get extra prayer time, or I drift back to sleep!)

But prayer is also challenging. I go through periods of having an amazing prayer life, spending a regular amount of time in prayer everyday, hearing clearly from God, finding plenty to say thank you for and feeling like I’m on top of it. Then I find that I’m not doing so great. Prayer time is interrupted by distractions from my phone or my head, or I’m not so certain that I’m actually hearing God or just hearing what I want to hear. Or else I actively avoid it.

So here’s my list of my personal challenges with praying. Do any of these speak to you too?

1. Prayer is personal: if I’m in a position of praying for a specific person with specific requests, I can do that. But otherwise I tend to avoid group praying situations because I feel vulnerable. What we pray for often says a lot about our heart, because that’s where prayer comes from.

2. Sometimes it feels selfish: sometimes the things that are troubling me seem small and insignificant compared to what others are facing. That makes me think twice before presenting them to God (even though I know the bible says otherwise!)

3. Sometimes it’s overwhelming: sometimes the things I have in my heart to pray for seem so huge I don’t know where to start. So I don’t start… I procrastinate instead…

4. Language: here’s another reason I can avoid group praying. It seems like a lot of people are proper ‘prayer warriors’ with powerful words and phrases, and a faith and confidence that I don’t possess. Even when I’m on my own, I can sometimes find myelf questioning the words I’ve used, thinking I could have said it better and wondering if I’ve communicated my concerns well.

So there you have it, my starting place forhunting for God through prayer. I really hope I can get past the self-conscious aspects; prayer is first and foremost for God, not for the people around me! And the bible says in Phillipians 4: 6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Based on these, I have 2 goals for this week: pray simply and regularly, and find someone to pray with.

I’ll come back next week and let you know what I’ve discovered.

Hunting for God in lent

In the Christian calendar, today is Ash Wednesday. It marks 40 days leading towards Easter when we remember Jesus spending 40 days in the wilderness before being tempted by the devil. Some people will give something up for lent either as a personal challenge or for spiritual reasons.

OK, boring background bit over. I’m not going to give anything up this year. One of the reasons I hold on to hope in God is because I am constantly learning new things or having my eyes open to new experiences. I am not the worlds best Christian, and yet when I can motivate myself to spending time praying and listening and spending intentional time focusing on God, I get so much out of it. Maybe I should do that more…

And so, this Lent, I have opened a book called ‘God Hunting’ by Jo Swinney and I am going to work my way through it. The book is Jo’s journey to forming habits that will help her draw closer to God in the midst of normal life. She sets herself a challenge of trialing 1 spiritual discipline a month for 6 months.

For Jo, it was about finding God in the business. For me, it’s about finding God when I’m in limbo. Throughout this pandemic I have held onto my hope and my faith, but I have had ups and downs and I have started routines and not stuck to them. Along with many others I have been working from home, furloughed, part time furloughed, full time furloughed (again), moved house, changed routines, got tired, reached out to friends, hidden myself away…

But in this season, for the next 40 days (and maybe beyond) I am going to intentionally seek God, and like Jo did (and using Jo’s book as a guide) I’m going to document what I discover on here. Who knows, maybe someone else will find encouragement to seek God, or will find a little spark of hope, or maybe will just find something to make them smile.

And just as Jo does in her book, I’m going to begin with writing about how that particular discipline fits into my life currently, set weekly goals, report back honestly what I discover (and where I go wrong!) and at the end of the month, assess what I learned and what I will carry forward.

I am not a ‘super-Christian’. I am a normal person who gets frustrated at red traffic lights and people who block supermarket aisles with their trollies. I like wasting time playing games or watching TV. It is highly likely that I will get this wrong at some point. But I am going to commit to this for lent. I’d like to try the full six months. And if I slip up one day, I’m going to pick myself up and try again the next day.

Because although I am a normal person, I do long to have a deeper relationship with God and create habits that last longer than a couple of weeks. What about you?

(*For anyone wondering what I’m on about when I write about spiritual disciplines, read tomorrow’s post. It’s just a posh term that covers a lot of different activities!)

Who told you so?

Does anyone else have a nagging voice in the back of their minds telling them they don’t measure up, or they don’t belong, or just feeding other negative thoughts? I’m willing to bet it’s not just me! But I came across something that resonated with me when I was reading through the bible.

Genesis 3, God says to Adam and Eve “Who told you that you were naked?”

Up until this point they had been living in the garden alongside each other and with God perfectly happily. But after listening to the snake and eating from the wrong tree, they suddenly became self-conscious and felt the need to hide from each other and from God. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should revert back (I believe there are laws against that now!)

What I’m saying is that we can often create barriers between ourselves and others and ourselves and God that don’t need to exist. Think of Adam and Eve before eating the fruit, happy with who they were, without feeling that they needed to hide. Think of a small child who will dance to the slightest hint of a tune (and even when there is no music at all!) or will sing just because they feel like it without caring what other people think of them. Or young children at preschool who will play with each other without cliques, at least to begin with, because everyone belongs.

It’s only when we get a bit older that we start to listen to what others think, and suddenly we can become self-conscious and refuse to dance or sing, or we start to think we need to try harder because we’re not very smart, or we start finding groups of kids and feel the need to try and fit in rather than being free to just be who we are.

But who told us that we aren’t clever? Who told us that we don’t fit in or belong? Who told us that we can’t sing/dance/draw/(insert your personal experience here)? Because I know for a fact that it wasn’t God.

In fact, in a quick search in the bible, God views us as ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’, ‘the apple of his eye’ and ‘very good’ (compared to the rest of creation which is ‘good’). God doesn’t compare his children, he delights in exactly who they are. Exactly who we are.

If we are so happy we want to sing or dance, God laughs with us because we are happy, not at us because he is judging us. He doesn’t look at a test score and label us ‘stupid’ or ‘a failure’. He sees our hearts and the things we enjoy doing and takes an interest. He doesn’t look at us and tell us we should hide that particular scar, or cover that particular mark with make-up. In fact, to God, we are, every single one of us, a beautiful example of his creation.

I guess what I’m trying to say (to myself as much as to you) is to think carefully before listening to that small voice making you self-conscious or tearing you down. Because if you stop and think “Why do I think that? Who told me that?” the answer is not going to be God, and just maybe we can start ignoring that little voice and start walking with our heads up and doing what we enjoy doing without feeling self-conscious or worried about what others think.

Fix your eyes on…?

Anybody grow up going to Sunday School (or an equivalent)? There’s a joke about a child who goes to Sunday School and the leader asks, “what is grey with a long fluffy tail, runs up trees and eats nuts?” The children think for a bit then one pipes up with, “I know it sounds like a squirrel, but the answer is always Jesus.”

Ok, not the funniest joke I’ve every told, but it’s a good lesson for children to learn in church, because that is what church is supposed to be about. And it’s something that sometimes older people in church could do with being reminded of, including me.

When the unexpected happens, when doubts and fears threaten to overwhelm, it’s easy to panic or despair or try to fix things ourselves. Stress and anxiety can strike and lead to anger or sleepless nights. The harder thing to do is to remember that the answer is Jesus and we can trust Jesus within that storm.

Guess what? Got a bible story to back me up! It comes shortly after Jesus and his disciples have fed over 5000 people with not a lot of food. Jesus sends his disciples ahead of him by boat across the Sea of Galilee while he goes to find some quiet time to pray. He prays through the night.

Meanwhile, the boat was making slow progress across the lake, but the wind was against it (it must have been a strong wind!) Something appeared above the water. No, not something, someone. They were walking on the water. The disciples immediate reaction was one of fear. “It’s a ghost!” one cried.

But Jesus called out, “Do not be afraid, it is I.”

And Peter, impulsive Peter, says, “Lord, if it is you, call for me to come to you on the water”

So Jesus says, “Come.”

And Peter, faithful Peter, Peter the rock, Peter who speaks first and thinks later, Peter who is the first to recognise Jesus as Messiah, walks out to Jesus on the water and together they get into the boat…

Except that’s not quite what happened. Because Peter got out of the boat and started walking towards Jesus, then got distracted by the wind and began to sink. He took his eyes off of Jesus and instead focused on his fears and the worries of the world around him. He began to sink. He called out, “Lord, save me!” and immediately Jesus reaches out and saves him.

“Oh, you of little faith,” Jesus said, “why did you doubt?” Then he helped Peter get back into the boat.

I retell this story here as an encouragement, because Peter has journeyed closely with Jesus. He has just witnessed him feed a huge number of people, literally the previous day. He asked Jesus to call him out of the boat, confident that Jesus wouldn’t tell him to do so unless it was safe.

And yet Peter still allows his doubts and fears to overwhelm and distract him from Jesus. But the grace of Jesus is that he ‘immediately’ reaches out. Even better, his question to Peter seems to be for Peter’s ears only. Jesus doesn’t embarrass Peter in the boat in front of the other disciples. I can imagine the disciples months later sitting round a fire telling stories and this episode coming up and Peter laughing and saying “… and then he said ‘why did you doubt?'” But not at that moment. Because at that moment Peter is probably shocked and scared. And Jesus is a man of compassion.

And I share this now because in my life a couple of events have taken me by surprise in the last week. I didn’t see them coming. And I needed to be reminded that people aren’t the answer. The church isn’t the answer. They are good and can be helpful and supportive, but they aren’t the answer. The answer, the one I can rely on always, is Jesus. Because when Peter started to sink, he called out and Jesus immediately reached out. Because in my past, when I have had low points, when things have seemed tough and confusing, Jesus has reached out to me too. Because if Peter can see and experience miracles and still doubt, then I can cut myself some slack. Because if, in the middle of the storm, Jesus can gently nudge Peter back to faith, then it’s never too late for me to turn my gaze back to Jesus.

And maybe some of you need to hear that too. Even the most committed follower of Jesus is allowed to have an occasional blip. If you can keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, you’ll find walking in the storm less stressful. But if you have a blip, Jesus is still the answer. Call out and he will reach out to you.

I can’t promise you there won’t storms in life, because the bible doesn’t promise that. I can’t promise you that that everything will be comfortable if you choose to follow Jesus (in fact, the bible promises the complete opposite while living in a broken world…) But the bible does promise that God will never leave you to walk through it alone.

So keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, and if you find yourself distracted by the wind and doubting, call out to Jesus; he promises to be there.

And he always has been for me.

Photo by Jasper Garratt on Unsplash

Highs and lows.

Any Junior Bake Off fans out there? I’ve been catching up on the latest series and stumbled across something very profound that gave me cause to pause.

Obviously, in a competition people enter because they want to win and it can be hugely disappointing to have to leave. I think even more so when you have worked hard to produce something personal like cake (same applies to music/art/sewing/pottery). There’s something about creating something with your own hands and then having that judged and deemed not as good as another’s that can be deeply personal. So I could relate to one young girl who was voted off and was devasted.

But in her interview afterwards she said something very wise. She said “I never knew I could be so sad. But then I never knew I could be so happy.”

Can anyone else relate to this? Some times in life where we have felt at our worst are linked with times that have also brought greatest of memories? I can immediately think of losing a loved one. The grief can be hard to bear, but for my part I’d rather feel the grief and also carry the joy and memories of having known that person than have not experienced that joy.

And I guess to me, my faith is a little like that. There have been times when I have said to myself ‘I didn’t know I could feel so much pain’. But the thing that has kept me pushing through has been the memories of more joy than I knew was possible too. But unlike getting knocked out of a competition or dealing with loss, I believe that in faith, the sadness is not the end. I believe there is always hope for bigger joys.

There is a verse in one of the Psalms (Psalm 30 v 5) which says ‘Tears may last through the night but joy comes in the morning’. It flips things around – sadness does not follow joy, but rather joy will always follow sadness.

I think Peter could relate to this too. Told by Jesus to throw his net over the other side of the boat he caught more fish than he had ever caught. Ok, Jesus, you have his attention. Called to follow Jesus and become a ‘fisher of men’, Peter’s journey is extraordinary. He experiences extraordinary things as part of a group and as an individual. He is there when water is turned into wine, and when at least 5000 people are fed. He is on the mountain top when Jesus is transfigured and claimed and when Moses and Elijah appear. He then offers to build them tents… Maybe missing the point? He gets out of the boat and walks on water. And almost sinks (except Jesus rescues him). He gets renamed because he recognises Jesus as the Messiah, and in the next breath tries to convince Jesus not to go to Jerusalem, and is rebuked by Jesus. And then, at the end, he falls asleep, runs away and denies Jesus three times. Massive highs, massive lows.

Except that’s not the end, because Jesus rises from the grave and appears to the disciples. And at the end of John’s gospel there is a passage about how Jesus restores Peter by giving him a chance to affirm Jesus three times. It doesn’t end in sorrow, it ends in joy.

I know that’s not the end of Peter’s story. I know Peter is martyred. But Jesus promises that he will show the way to the Father, to heaven. Death wasn’t the end for Jesus, and it’s there that the greatest of all joys exists.

My journey of faith started with experiencing a bigger joy than I had ever known, and I believe it will end with more joy than I can ever imagine. And along the way there have been some hugely low points, but there have been some moments of just soaring freedom I didn’t know was possible. But it’s the hope of more joy that keeps me pressing on when trouble hits, the memories of what I have experienced and the promise of more to come.

Tears may last through the night but joy comes in the morning

Inspiring others with our story

I always try to find a way to link what I’m trying to say back to the bible. Because ultimately that’s an historical document which I believe can be relied upon. There are scholars out there (more specialised than me) who can show how reliable the bible is as a document using the dates and numbers of early manuscripts and comparing them to other documents that are seen as reliable and accurate. There are also other documents of the time that confirm some of what is written about in the bible, including there was a man called Jesus and he was crucified.

But actually the reason for my hope is found as much in the stories of the people around me and their encounters as it is in this historical document written all that time ago. I have been incredibly privileged to hear some peoples stories, moments in their lives where they have seen miracles happen or where they have experienced God on a personal level.

Some stories seems incredulous, almost beyond belief. And then I remember that in the bible there is a story of a man turning water into wine, walking on water and feeding thousands of people with a few loaves and some fish. And this man is killed and yet three days later his tomb is empty and he appears to people in a physical form. God was doing some pretty unbelievable things 2000 years ago. Why should God not do something wild today?!

But some people have stories that hit much closer to home. They are more relatable to what some of us walk through everyday. And the thing is that telling those kinds of stories can leave us feeling incredibly vulnerable, because they are so relatable. They can leave us open to a small voice in the back of our mind asking us “what will other people think?” Or at least, I know I haven’t always told my stories because of that voice. Because, let’s face it, with the best will in the world, most of us only want others to see that we have it all together. You don’t often see posts about the bad stuff on social media. And that can lead to us feeling like we’re alone or we have to hide it. If you walk through the doors of a church (when it’s allowed), would you look around and see people who have scars and pasts they’re not proud of? Or would you see a group of people who seem to have everything together?

Please don’t hear a criticism there! It’s not necessarily appropriate to wear our stories on our sleeves for the whole world to see, particularly not if we are walking through one of those storms that life likes to throw our way, or are just getting over one. But the people who make up the churches often have a story to tell.

Stories capture our imaginations. Whether we read books or watch films or television, we can find ourselves emotionally engaged with the characters. A lot of people anticipate the adverts at Christmas because they tell a story. And within those stories, we may find a favourite one that really speaks to us, that touches us in a way that perhaps we can’t explain. My favourite story from childhood is by an Australian author called John Flanagan and is about a boy who has an ambition that he can’t attain. Throughout the book we see his journey of discovering who he is and what gifts he has, and we see him find his place. It’s an incredible action-packed story (so I don’t want to give away any spoilers) and I recommend it highly, but my point is that for the last few years that has been my journey too (with slightly less intense action). It’s been about discovering what I carry, not longing after something that isn’t the best fit for me.

So when it comes to the people around us, their stories can inspire us in the same way. Or maybe I can flip this slightly: our stories can inspire the people around us. Now I don’t have permission to share anyone else’s story, but I have heard a few recently that have had something in common that I needed to hear. Whatever these people were walking through, they also had people walking alongside them as they went through it, loving them without judging them and reflecting God’s character of grace and love.

I can’t share another’s story, but I can share mine. Or a relevant bit of it anyway (sorry, this is turning into a long post!) Across the years I have had people I have been close to push me away. I’m sure I’m not the only one, and I’m sure others have had it worse than me, but I’m not in competition with anyone here. And that has hurt and left scars. In an earlier post I have said that one of my key values is relationships with people. So I had fallen into a pattern of behaviour of building a friendship and then pushing that friend away before they can hurt me. But it was worse than that, because I also allowed the actions of those few people from my past to skew my view of God, despite what I’d read in the bible. For me, there was a fear that maybe I’d do something wrong and God would turn away, or that God would leave me. (Those promises in the bible were for other people, right? Not for me!)

Then in recent years I began finding friends who wouldn’t be pushed away. And I began to think ‘Huh, not everyone is like those people I used to know’. But it was like being stranded on a desert island 100 miles from safety. I would swim 80 miles and get to that point and then for whatever reason turn around and go back to that isolated island. I could never seem to make the connection between not everyone is like those people and God is not like those people.

Until I was in the middle of a particular struggle and a friend phoned me. And I was about to do my usual distancing thing when she said to me, “You know, you don’t have to walk through this alone. I want to support you in this.”

And in listening to others stories about having someone loving without judging while walking alongside them, I realised what a turning point that was for me. Because from that point I was able to go those extra 20 miles and realign my view from God might leave and turn his back to God sees me as I am and loves me anyway. All those bad points, those things I’m not proud of? Those things I’d rather hide? God sees them. And instead of turning away, He gently brushes them away and says, “Not anymore. You may have been that person once, but now you’re someone new.”

Ok, this is a somewhat simplistic image, but isn’t that what God’s love is? Don’t we make it more complicated than we need to by putting prerequisites on it, or by measuring it by our experience with the people we have met?

Sorry, off topic…

My point is that there is something in the stories I have heard that inspire me to tell my own story, but also help me find the courage to keep on with my own journey more aware of what God has done for me. God has brought people into my life that reflect his character and who are willing to support me with love and grace.

So if you have a story, no matter how ordinary or outlandish it may feel, tell it. And if you are struggling with something and you think you are alone, ask around. There will be people with stories that can inspire and help you.

And if you want a take away from my story? No matter what you have done, no matter who you think you are, no matter what you are going through, God loves you and He will never leave you. And chances are, he has already brought into your life those things you need to walk through what you are going through.

God goes before

We come to the end of the strangest year I have lived through. Back in January I was excited and raring to go. I set faith targets, spent some time with God while staying with a friend, allowed myself to dream big, made 6-month, 12-month and 5-year plans and just generally got ready for an adventure. Come February I was starting to step out more as myself, learning who I could be. March comes and things start to take an unexpected turn. My accommodation changed, the country went into lock-down and the job role changed. Then I got furloughed.

What followed was a very different sort of adventure. Opportunities I hadn’t even dreamed of presented themselves: speaking and teaching about God using my story, writing courses, childhood dreams started to become more real (not the kind where I got chased by dinosaurs…)

But more than that, my eyes got opened to what I really valued. It’s safe to say that in the space created by lock-down and furlough and the experiences I had, I discovered how rich I really am. I have experienced more pain in the last 6 months than I could have imagined back in January, but I have also experienced more joy than I could ever dare to dream of.

No, it’s not been an easy year. I have felt isolated and abandoned. I have felt taken advantage of. I have been angry and disappointed. But I have also made some amazing memories with people I love dearly. I have had relationships restored with friends and family that I had almost lost hope of being restored. I moved house (again) and joined a new church.

The strange thing is, those restored relationships, the new home and the new church were all part of my either my 12-month plan or my faith targets set back in January, the ones me and my friend/mentor set aside because Covid meant we had to put them on hold.

But God’s plans are not our plans. God has used the last few years to clear the way and bring me to a point of being willing to trust the people who have walked with me, and has used the time to heal some things in me. In the space created this year, there has been room for God to reveal more layers to me, to go deeper and heal more. But it’s been hard. So after a few months of silence on here while I tried to get myself back together, hiding from everyone I possibly could and doing just enough to get through each day, I realised how far God has gone to put things in place for this season in my life.

I know, fanciful thinking, right? Except 7 years ago some people entered my life who have been key to reaching out and encouraging me this year. 4 years ago I started a course that built a grounding of knowledge in the character of God and of scripture that has proved a bedrock when didn’t think I could keep going. Within that time, as I have grown spiritually and let go of things I thought I knew and opened my eyes, I have had the privilege to walk alongside another church, dipping my toe into how they do life occasionally. And when, a year ago, that church stopped being an option, there were my friends, still willing to walk alongside me and to invite me into a new one, the one I have ended up joining.

And these friends are people who challenge me, support my wild ideas, put up with my not-so-great side and still love me, who include me and make me feel welcome and just generally point me towards God and remind me that I don’t walk alone. These people have been the key to helping me to see God in his faithfulness and unfailing love.

Excuse the self-indulgent post, but this is part of the reason for my hope in God. Because those times when it has been most tough have been times when I have struggled on alone. But those times when I have opened myself to God and to the friends God guided into my life, things are manageable. No, more than manageable. Impossible things become possible.

And it’s a biblical principle. When things seem impossible or too tough, God has already gone before to prepare the way. If we look briefly at the story of Gideon for one example, in Judges 7. Gideon is preparing to lead his army of 300 men against more than 100,000 Midianites. God says to Gideon “If you are scared, take a friend and listen to what they are saying” So Gideon goes.

In verse 13 it says ‘Gideon arrived just as a man was telling a friend his dream. “I had a dream,” he was saying, “A round loaf of barley bread came tumbling into the Midianite camp. It struck the tent with such force that the tent overturned and collapsed.”
His friend responded, “This can be nothing other than the sword of Gideon son of Joash, the Israelite. God has given the Midianites and the whole camp into his hands.”

Notice how Gideon arrived just in time to hear the thoughts of the soldiers in the enemy camp, a dream and its interpretation set up just to give him the courage to keep going and inspire his men. Gideon and his 300 men go on to achieve a great victory armed with a torch in a clay pot and a trumpet each. They encircled the camp, blew their trumpets and smashed the pots to reveal the torches. They didn’t draw swords or attack. And yet, the Midianite army fled. Because God had gone before to prepare the way for Gideon to do what was asked of him.

No matter what we are facing, God doesn’t set us up to fail. Sometimes it seems easy, but sometimes it seems hard, almost impossible. And those are the times we need to remember that God always goes before us. He doesn’t leave things half done, he doesn’t abandon us part way through the journey. And he definitely doesn’t uncover things with us before we are ready to face them. And if we need a little extra encouragement, we’ll find that God has already put that in our path whether it’s through some teaching we once heard, a book we own, some people in our lives, or something else entirely! Nothing is beyond God, He can turn anything into good, we just need to learn not to box Him in or limit our expectations of him.

So my encouragement going into a new year which looks at best a little uncertain is that God has gone before us, and He’ll be walking alongside us every step of the way.