Hunting for God: Fasting week 2

Cake…

So much cake….

So, week 2 of fasting was much harder than week one. I found myself baking muffins for a friends birthday, and lots of tray bakes for church to give away to the local community on Easter Sunday. And all without being able to taste them…. (That’s why this post is a couple of days late, sorry!)

On top of that, I had real struggles and stresses including news of a friend who was ill, being brought back to work part time (with new responsibilities) plus a temperamental boiler. There was a strong temptation to go back to hiding behind a screen instead of seeking God, and to take comfort in sugary food. ,

Full disclosure: I didn’t eat a single muffin or slice of cake, I didn’t scrape the bowl after baking (which meant more of the mixture actually made it’s way into the cake tins) and I didn’t lick the spoon after icing. I did, however, find myself scrolling more than I would have liked.

So the week started ok. When I found out my friend was very ill I was able to pray for her and get comfort from God. Yes, I was still concerned, but I could also find peace within that by releasing her and relying on God. And even going back to work with the new responsibilities, and the stress and confusion that brought, although tempting, wasn’t the thing that tripped me up. In fact, I also became more intentional about setting aside time to meditate on a psalm (Psalm 91 this week) and was able to keep saying Night Prayer (see post about prayer week 3). No, it was in between baking over 100 portions of cake and my boiler causing a sleepless night that I tripped up and began the distraction/escape scrolling.

But I’m going to keep going. I am going to see this through to the end (even though I now have three chocolate Easter eggs sitting in my cupboard). There are a couple of situations in my life right now where I need guidance from God. There is one big area I am seeking break through. And, as ever, I want a deeper relationship with God. I want the kind of relationship I see that others have where they can confidently say “God has told me…” or where they can be in the midst of a massive ‘storm’ and are still able to confidently remain calm, knowing that God is with them and, whatever the outcome, God is good and God has them secure.

So, to help me next week I am going to focus on a different psalm, but the same one for the whole week. And every time I get the urge to scroll on Facebook on my phone I am going to open the bible app instead, to that psalm (I haven’t worked out which one yet…) And I am going to set aside time to read a book called Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning.

Sometimes when going on adventures the hero will make a mistake or take a wrong turn, but then comes back to the right path, usually a little wise. It is my hope that that is what will happen here. No, I didn’t have any major breakthroughs about God (although the distractions brought me close to a melt down when I tried to manage apart from God), but I do know that God’s grace means I can keep going and try again. My slip ups don’t disqualify me. God doesn’t give up on me, so neither will I!

Hunting for God: Fasting week 1

Think I’ve now mastered how to keep track of the weeks in the title without confusing myself! Took long enough…

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve been eagerly awaiting to find out what I’m fasting. So I prayed and I think the best thing for me to say here is I think God wants me to fast from sweet snacks and things, which is where I usually turn for comfort. But I also felt like I needed to give up using my phone for non-communication purposes because I also use that as a distraction and find I waste a lot of time cycling through games on my phone or scrolling through social media, and almost run out of time to spend with God.

In her book, Jo Swinney gives up 4 different things for 1 week each. I felt I would get more benefit out of giving up these things for 4 weeks in order to seek God deeper. So that is the aim. And I will be honest with you about every biscuit (none so far) and every slip-up on my phone (once!), also secure in the knowledge that God is forgiving and a small slip is not an excuse to give up. Instead it is an opportunity to pick myself up and carry on.

So, what have I discovered so far? I have discovered that when I stop using my phone as a hiding place distraction there are a lot of hours in a day when I can seek God. And I have discovered I have a lot of chocolate scattered around my flat!

On a more serious note, the last week has been amazing for me. I am a novice at fasting so I have looked into some devotionals, but essentially I have just said “Ok God, this time is yours. What do you want to do?” I have used the book by Becca Dean (Be Live Pray) to explore some more ways of praying and encountering God.

Apparently there are four main reasons for fasting: closeness with God, receiving direction, receiving provision, and restoration. In the last week I have definitely had moments of feeling incredibly close to God, I feel I have heard more clearly from him (partly because I may have been hiding from a particular direction…) and I feel like over the rest of this time of fasting I will have breakthrough in an area I have been struggling with as I spend more time with God building up foundational truth about my identity instead of listening to the little inner voice telling me lies about my worth.

Hebrews 6: 11 says God will reward those who earnestly seek him. This may seem strange (believe me, I’ve been called worse), but I am actually excited to meet with God in this period. I may feel differently in a weeks time when it’s Easter Sunday and I see everyone tucking into chocolate eggs…

The important thing I have learned this week is to use the time I would be playing/scrolling to focus on God in prayer and worship, and to seek comfort from God by honestly praying instead of looking for a sugar pick-me-up.

My month of prayer brought me closer to God. My first week exploring fasting taken me further. I have experienced more and longer periods of peace in my heart to replace anxiety and worries. At times, not being able to fall back on my phone has left me twiddling my thumbs, but my hope is that I will be able to build on the patterns I had started to form during the prayer month and create a lasting pattern of drawing close to God.

Please note, as I have previously stated, I am a novice fast-er. If you are reading this as an experienced fast-er, please forgive the bits I’ve got wrong. If, like me, you are a beginner, my advice is don’t let small slips discourage you. Keep going. God is patient and cares about intentions. Maybe 4 weeks (or 40 days) is too long, so be kind to yourself while seeking God. Oh, and everywhere I’ve read it is very clear: don’t jump straight in to a 40 day full food fast unprepared!

Anyway, more from me next week (unless I have a major breakthrough or breakdown mid-way)

Hunting for God: Prayer week 4, and a new challenge

This is the last week with prayer as the focus. I don’t mean I’m going to stop praying (in fact, in the last couple of days I’ve found another book with some helpful thoughts), but the book I’m following by Jo Swinney (God Hunting) does 4 weeks, then focuses on a different discipline.

Last week I had three goals, plus building on routines/habits from the previous weeks. I continue to say Night Prayer most nights which continues to be helpful. I continue to set aside time first thing in the morning to listen (and keep my journal near my bed to write down anything interesting). Sometimes I don’t get any specific ‘words’ from God, but it’s nice to start the day soaking in God’s presence, even if my mind occasionally starts to wander… Hey, I never said I was perfect!

Intentionally asking others what I can pray for to support them. This is an interesting thing to explore. It’s covered in Jo Swinney’s book, it’s covered in Max Lucado’s book, it’s a theme of Jesus in the bible. But I sometimes find praying “Dear God, bless Joe Bloggs, let him know your love and peace, Amen” a little generic. Sometimes it’s obvious how to pray for someone, but often there are things going on below the surface that we don’t see. And sometimes, just asking the question shows someone we are thinking of them. In asking some specific people, I have had some really good conversations this week. I didn’t feel able to ask everyone I pray for, but sometimes I don’t have that kind of relationship with them. Jesus says we should prayer for our friends and family, and we should also pray for the people we don’t like so much or we find difficult to deal with… Prayer is like a superpower we can use in secret!

Anyway, I did more asking this week and was richly blessed to hear some stories of what’s going on in the lives of some people I really care about but don’t talk to as much as I should. Note to self: touch base with people more! It has also made me feel better when praying for them, like I’m actually praying in a useful way not just going through the motions.

I feel I should clarify, I have a list of people I feel drawn to pray about (some for obvious reasons, others because I believe God has put them on my heart to pray for). I don’t manage to pray for all of them everyday, but I do pray for them on a regular basis, and again, there are seasons where more intense pray is appropriate. So, useful challenge, something to carry forward to make my prayer time more focussed.

Combine everything: yep, been trying to that. Didn’t always work! Realised I was being honest in prayer to a certain point but was still holding back in some areas. Journalling really helped with this one, and carving out some special time also helped. Found time to listen, found a good night time structure, found a way to pray for others more efficiently, found someone to pray with regularly… ah… yeah… Ok, that one still needs work. I’ve found some people I’d like to, but setting aside the time together hasn’t exactly worked regularly yet. Oh well, there’s always next week!

Max Lucado’s book, Before Amen. Finished it for the second time. Some new nuggets:

  • There’s a fab exercise to alphabetise thanks – find something to be thankful for for every letter of the alphabet. It helps us to focus on the benefits and not the burdens which in turn helps us not to stay in a state of self-pity. (Being honest about struggles is important, but wallowing is not healthy for anyone)
  • “Intercessory prayer isn’t rocket science. It acknowledges our inability and God’s ability”
  • Praying in Jesus’ name is a declaration of truth. Jesus is in charge. That is why we pray.
  • “You’re never without hope because you’re never without prayer”

Jo has included a quote from a 17th Century monk called Brother Laurence in her book, under a section on unceasing prayer. Brother Laurence compares unceasing prayer to ‘a wordless and secret conversation between the soul and God which no longer ends’. That’s a phrase that awakens a longing in my heart, something I will continue to aim for.

If you have been following on, I would recommend looking out Jo’s book (and Max’s book). But this week I discovered another book on different ways to pray. It’s a very practical book and takes into account how people find different things easier to engage with, have different gifts/personalities/experiences/backgrounds and I’ve enjoyed dipping into it. It’s called Be Live Pray by Becca Dean. If you’ve tried exploring prayer before and not got very far or would like a book with more practical ideas to share with others, try that one. (No, I don’t get any commissions, but good books are worth sharing!). And if in doubt, there’s a lot on prayer in the bible.

Anyway, it’s still lent, and I’m still hunting for a deeper relationship with God. Prayer is an essential basis (in my opinion) but the next chapter in Jo’s book happens to coincide with some advice a friend gave me this week on going deeper with God. The next discipline I will be exploring is fasting. I’ve experimented with prayer for years. I’m a bit of a novice when it comes to fasting.

Fasting is another biblical fundamental. When it is mentioned by Jesus, such as in Matthew 6, Jesus says “When you fast…” not “If you fast…” Today, it is less talked about especially when you think how much prayer is part of everyday conversation. Jo explains fasting really well, so I’ll pick out some phrases: There are things that we all do to comfort ourselves, address our anxiety, fill our silences, when it is God we should turn to in need. I am planning to make myself vulnerable by removing the props I usually rely on, and I hope I am able to lean more heavily on God and not just reach for new props.

Biblically, fasting is food, but today there are many things to fast (after all, Jesus didn’t have the option to give up games or phones or social media). My friend who gave me the advice said the most important thing is to find out what God wants you to fast. So my first challenge within the next 24 hours is to find out what God wants me to fast from, and for how long (4 different things for a week each, 1 thing for 4 weeks?) Good job I’ve spent 4 weeks getting better acquainted with God’s voice!

The major important thing with fasting is to use the time when you would be doing that thing to focus on drawing close to God. Fasting requires courage to be vulnerable as defenses are stripped back and self-discipline to push through when it feels too costly or uncomfortable. I am hoping it will be particularly rewarding.

NB: The bible says we shouldn’t make a big thing out of it when we fast, so I’m not going to be announcing to the people I live around that I am fasting. But in order to encourage others, I will still be reporting back here. As always, my aim is to encourage others to trust in and rely on God, and I hope the findings of a normal(ish) everyday person will show that God is not on an unreachable pedestal but is in fact walking with us everyday and engaging with our lives.

Hunting for God: Prayer week 3

After three weeks I do feel like this has been a useful hunt for me. Each week I’ve come to this point and feel like I have something worth sharing. I’m aware this is a hope blog, so what I’m hoping is that anyone reading this will see how my hunt for a deeper relationship with God is seeing fruit without me doing anything that can’t be done by everyone. I share what I find in the hope it will encourage you in your walk with God, to discover more about his love and care for you, or to dare to discover God for the first time. I share because, even though I feel I have a faith I can rely on, I want to go deeper and hope I always will.

Anyway, after another week of hunting through prayer, here’s what I’ve got to share with you.

Last week I set myself the goal of using the Anglican Night Prayer liturgy. I’d tried using the Examen (see previous post) but hadn’t found it useful. I did find Night Prayer useful. The structure at the end of the day kept me focused on God, the repetition helped to keep a routine, and the room for general prayer came after already getting my mind focused on God. I could use that time to bring the worries of the day, the people I love and care about, and the days highlights to God and sleep easier as a result. There’s an app on the phone/tablet called ‘Daily Prayer’ that has all the liturgy and takes a lot of the complication out of it. And because it is widely available, it’s easy to think of others saying the same words and prayers across the world and across the ages. It was easy to feel connected to other Christians. At least for this season, I will continue to use Night Prayer.

My second goal for this week was to keep a prayer journal. I found keeping a specific prayer journal was confusing (as in, I didn’t know what to write) but mainly because I already keep a general journal, and I have a journal for people I pray for which includes some specifics they have asked for prayer for (because otherwise I forget!)

It has been a good discipline to include what I’ve talked to God about in my normal journalling (also helps with journalling honestly). In turn, that has helped me to be honest with God about my worries and concerns instead of censoring myself. So again, I’ve found it a useful practice which I intend to keep up.

There has been an additional discovery this week. In Max Lucado’s book, he sums up prayer as ‘we speak, God listens. God speaks, we listen‘. As I’ve spent more time being honest with God, I’ve found myself able to recognise his voice more. Interestingly, although mornings are not a good time for me to bring my prayers and concerns to God, it is a good time for me to hear God’s voice. I think…

I do have some more nuggets from Lucado’s book. He uses a couple of analogies that are really useful. He talks about his dad being a mechanic and being able to fix things if only Max would ask him to help. How often do we stubbornly refuse to ask for help? He also uses the analogy of a pilot. If you take a flight and know and trust the pilot, if you come across turbulence you don’t worry because you know you’re in good hands. God is a trusted pair of hands. We can bring prayers to him and trust his response. 1 Peter 5:7 says Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

He also used some biblical examples to give some advice. He uses a story of blind beggars crying out for healing as a response for when prayers aren’t answered straight away. His tip is one of encouragement. The blind men cried out persistently, personally and passionately. We should too.

And the story Jesus at the wedding in Cana when they run out of wine. Mary presents the problem to Jesus and leaves it with him. She has complete trust in how he responds. Sometimes we can be tempted to bring a request to God, and then refuse to let go of it and still try to fix it ourselves.

So, persistent, personal and passionate prayer, but also not holding onto worries or anxieties. The point of praying is to bring our cares to God and trust him with them, and therefore to be able to find some peace.

Anyway, one more week of prayer (then we move onto a different discipline!) My goals are to intentionally ask others how I can support them in prayer, and to combine everything I’ve learned so far and just honestly approach God as a father with all my good news and requests and leave them with God instead of holding onto them. Oh, and finish the Max Lucado book.

Hunting for God: Week 2 feedback

So, apart from this being a day late, I also confused myself with the titles! This is what I found after the second week and what I plan to do for the third.

First goal: find someone to pray with. I had a really good conversation with a friend about how hard I find it to pray with other people. She basically told me (in a very loving way) to just get on with it. When we pray together and everyone brings their hearts, of course we will pray different things. That’s the beauty of it. God created each of us differently, and with each of us praying what’s on our own hearts in our own words we add a depth and a richness to prayer that blesses the people around us and the people/places/situations we are praying for. I think I’ve found someone to pray with, and the encouragement to speak up…

Goal 2: Read Max Lucado’s book (Before Amen) more slowly. I haven’t completely finished the book, but I have found some nuggets of gold that are making me reevaluate my prayer relationship with God. First off, what is it that I’m hoping to achieve? Do I want to pray more? Not necessarily. Do I want to pray better? Kinda… What I really want is the kind of prayer life that makes my relationship with God deeper and stronger.

Jesus prayed everywhere and for everything. The 12 disciples asked Jesus to teach them to pray. Jesus gave them a simple prayer. To quote the book: Father, you are good. I need help. Heal me and forgive me. They need help. Thank you. In Jesus name, Amen. It’s so simple, it’s so stripped back. There is no comparison. It is simply honest.

It’s approaching God the way a small child approaches a loving Father. No fancy phrases, no comparing my troubles to another’s and thinking their not as big. Just sharing everything: joys, disappointments, fears, hopes, requests, mistakes. Place doesn’t matter, fancy language doesn’t matter. Heart matters.

There’s another quote from the book: ‘life has enough burdens without the burden of praying correctly’. I have been so busy thinking my struggles are so much smaller and less significant compared to others that I don’t bring them to God. But God isn’t like that. He doesn’t think less of me because I have smaller problems right now. I am his daughter and he cares. It is not for me to filter what I bring to him, assuming he cares more for bigger problems. God is bigger than that.

I’m going to keep going, searching for more nuggets, but that has completely changed the way I look at prayer, and the way I view my relationship with God, especially with goal 4 (find a daily slot of intentional time to sit with God). No regular time slot has emerged yet, but time to be close and honest with God instead of filtering my feelings has been incredibly liberating this week.

I know, I skipped a goal, but only because goal 4 fitted with what I’d learnt. Goal 3 was explore the Examen. Jo Swinney (in her book God Hunting which started this) explores it and found it helpful. I didn’t find it as helpful, partly because my days look very similar at the moment when we are in lockdown. Although it is good to find some sort of peace of mind at the end of the day, it was also a reminder of the limbo we are currently in. If you don’t know, it’s a simple exercise of focusing on the moment of the day you are most thankful for and the moment of the day you are least grateful for.

For next week, I think I will use the Anglican Book of Common Prayer liturgy for Night Prayer instead. A simple liturgy that centres my focus back on God might be more helpful for my mind right now. So that’s goal number 1 next week. Goal number 2 is going to be keeping a prayer journal. I get to this point, and apart from a few scattered notes I’ve left myself, have to really think back over what I’ve learnt. So this week I am going to record daily and hopefully get into a habit that will persist long after this period of ‘Hunting for God’. I’m also going to keep reading the Max Lucado book. Seriously, it’s fab. I recommend it!

Hunting for God: Prayer week 2

I started this week with 2 goals. I figured I’d start small and develop some sustainable habits so I could grow from there. As a recap from last weeks post, my two goals were to pray simply and regularly, and to find someone to pray with. My longer term goals are to get over being self-conscious in praying in front of others (prayer is for the benefit of God, not to make me look good!)

What did I discover? Nothing new or groundbreaking, but at the same time something mind blowing. If pushed for an answer, I would say I am more of an introvert than an extrovert. But the longer this pandemic has gone on, the more my extroverted side has come out longing for company and fellowship. Over the last week I have not filtered those ‘selfish’ thoughts or tried to put them into perspective (‘there are people worse off than me’), I have just sort of chatted with God about pangs of loneliness and longing to hear the voice of a friend. (I am not often the one to reach out because I don’t want to interrupt anyone else’s day) Interestingly enough, within a couple of hours each time, a friend has either sent me a message/email or phoned. Coincidence? Or answer to prayer?

The part that is mind blowing for me? God cares. God cares about my petty little problem of feeling lonely and, I believe, nudged some of my friends to reach out to me. It didn’t just happen once, it happened on three separate occasions over the last week. Yes, the bible says that God cares. Matthew 7: 11 says If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Yes, I know. Sometimes we ask and we don’t get, and at some point on this blog about hope I will write something on unanswered prayer (maybe even over the next couple of weeks!) but this week God did answer these smallest, selfish prayers of mine in a real and compassionate way.

I read a book by Max Lucado called ‘Before Amen’. It’s excellent. I mean it. It’s filled with wisdom, it’s accessible and easy to read, it’s written for the real world, not an unattainable world of holiness, and it flows. It was so easy to read I think I read it in 2 sittings. It was like I couldn’t put it down, it just pulled me further through the book. The problem is, as much as I enjoyed it, I now need to reread it and maybe make a few take-away notes. That’s one of my goals for next week! But there is a beautiful little quote at the end of the first chapter: Prayer is not a priviledge for the pious, not the art of a chosen few. Prayer is simply a heartfelt conversation between God and his child. My fried, he wants to talk with you.

So in terms of goal number 1, I was encouraged that my simple and frequent prayers were heard and answered. I haven’t yet fallen into a routine, but then I don’t really have a routine at the moment because I never know what each week will hold. But that will be another ongoing goal: to find a daily, regular prayer routine that works for me. (I know people say mornings are best, but seriously, I struggle to stay awake…)

Goal number 2… well, let’s just say I may not have gotten round to asking anyone yet. I know, it shouldn’t be a big deal! And yet to me, it is. So that goal carries over to next week. I have continued to meet for structured morning prayer (over Zoom), so it’s not a complete failure! We all have hurdles that need to be overcome, this is one of mine. Please have patience with me!

Ok, maybe a slow start to ‘Hunting for God’, but there were definitely results this week. So goals for next week:
1. (carried over) find someone to prayer with
2. Re-read Max Lucado’s book on prayer
3. (Taken from Jo Swinney’s book) explore the Examen
4. Find a daily slot of intentional time to sit with God

That should be plenty for week two, but I feel I need to make up for week one!

Hunting for God through… Prayer

Apologies, yesterday’s post on what is a spiritual discipline didn’t get uploaded. So here’s the short version:

My understanding is that spiritual disciplines are like building blocks in a growing relationship with God. If you were an athlete you’d have exercises to help you train, and artist of any sort has different techniques to practice in order to constantly improve their technique, and a Christian has Spiritual Disciplines.

Wise spiritual leaders across the years have made a list of 5, 6, 12… Well, lots of different lists exist of what might be called a spiritual discipline. Some say we must do them all, some say we should find the ones that work for us. If you are a deep theological thinker, Richard Foster has a good book called ‘A Celebration of Discipline’.

The thing is, as with sport and art, sometimes the training is hard work and not fun; in fact, it can take a huge amount of motivation. But, as with sport and art, the result of training is, in my opinion, going to be worth it. It is my belief that putting these things into practice will help me develop a closer and stronger relationship with God, and that is something I am serious about.

So, the first discipline: prayer.

Prayer, the discipline we all do…

I would argue that prayer is the most fundamental building block in having a dynamic relationship with God. If I look honestly at my life though, I could do better. Currently, I meet (via Zoom) 2 or 3 times a week for structured Anglican worship in the form of Morning Prayer. I keep a journal of people I intentionally pray for long term with notes of prayer requests and significant dates. At least once a week I will set aside some time to listen (although recently I’ve had my own agenda in these times). And when I wake up ridiculously early but don’t really want to get up, I pray for whatever happens to be on my heart (because either I get extra prayer time, or I drift back to sleep!)

But prayer is also challenging. I go through periods of having an amazing prayer life, spending a regular amount of time in prayer everyday, hearing clearly from God, finding plenty to say thank you for and feeling like I’m on top of it. Then I find that I’m not doing so great. Prayer time is interrupted by distractions from my phone or my head, or I’m not so certain that I’m actually hearing God or just hearing what I want to hear. Or else I actively avoid it.

So here’s my list of my personal challenges with praying. Do any of these speak to you too?

1. Prayer is personal: if I’m in a position of praying for a specific person with specific requests, I can do that. But otherwise I tend to avoid group praying situations because I feel vulnerable. What we pray for often says a lot about our heart, because that’s where prayer comes from.

2. Sometimes it feels selfish: sometimes the things that are troubling me seem small and insignificant compared to what others are facing. That makes me think twice before presenting them to God (even though I know the bible says otherwise!)

3. Sometimes it’s overwhelming: sometimes the things I have in my heart to pray for seem so huge I don’t know where to start. So I don’t start… I procrastinate instead…

4. Language: here’s another reason I can avoid group praying. It seems like a lot of people are proper ‘prayer warriors’ with powerful words and phrases, and a faith and confidence that I don’t possess. Even when I’m on my own, I can sometimes find myelf questioning the words I’ve used, thinking I could have said it better and wondering if I’ve communicated my concerns well.

So there you have it, my starting place forhunting for God through prayer. I really hope I can get past the self-conscious aspects; prayer is first and foremost for God, not for the people around me! And the bible says in Phillipians 4: 6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Based on these, I have 2 goals for this week: pray simply and regularly, and find someone to pray with.

I’ll come back next week and let you know what I’ve discovered.

Hunting for God in lent

In the Christian calendar, today is Ash Wednesday. It marks 40 days leading towards Easter when we remember Jesus spending 40 days in the wilderness before being tempted by the devil. Some people will give something up for lent either as a personal challenge or for spiritual reasons.

OK, boring background bit over. I’m not going to give anything up this year. One of the reasons I hold on to hope in God is because I am constantly learning new things or having my eyes open to new experiences. I am not the worlds best Christian, and yet when I can motivate myself to spending time praying and listening and spending intentional time focusing on God, I get so much out of it. Maybe I should do that more…

And so, this Lent, I have opened a book called ‘God Hunting’ by Jo Swinney and I am going to work my way through it. The book is Jo’s journey to forming habits that will help her draw closer to God in the midst of normal life. She sets herself a challenge of trialing 1 spiritual discipline a month for 6 months.

For Jo, it was about finding God in the business. For me, it’s about finding God when I’m in limbo. Throughout this pandemic I have held onto my hope and my faith, but I have had ups and downs and I have started routines and not stuck to them. Along with many others I have been working from home, furloughed, part time furloughed, full time furloughed (again), moved house, changed routines, got tired, reached out to friends, hidden myself away…

But in this season, for the next 40 days (and maybe beyond) I am going to intentionally seek God, and like Jo did (and using Jo’s book as a guide) I’m going to document what I discover on here. Who knows, maybe someone else will find encouragement to seek God, or will find a little spark of hope, or maybe will just find something to make them smile.

And just as Jo does in her book, I’m going to begin with writing about how that particular discipline fits into my life currently, set weekly goals, report back honestly what I discover (and where I go wrong!) and at the end of the month, assess what I learned and what I will carry forward.

I am not a ‘super-Christian’. I am a normal person who gets frustrated at red traffic lights and people who block supermarket aisles with their trollies. I like wasting time playing games or watching TV. It is highly likely that I will get this wrong at some point. But I am going to commit to this for lent. I’d like to try the full six months. And if I slip up one day, I’m going to pick myself up and try again the next day.

Because although I am a normal person, I do long to have a deeper relationship with God and create habits that last longer than a couple of weeks. What about you?

(*For anyone wondering what I’m on about when I write about spiritual disciplines, read tomorrow’s post. It’s just a posh term that covers a lot of different activities!)

Who told you so?

Does anyone else have a nagging voice in the back of their minds telling them they don’t measure up, or they don’t belong, or just feeding other negative thoughts? I’m willing to bet it’s not just me! But I came across something that resonated with me when I was reading through the bible.

Genesis 3, God says to Adam and Eve “Who told you that you were naked?”

Up until this point they had been living in the garden alongside each other and with God perfectly happily. But after listening to the snake and eating from the wrong tree, they suddenly became self-conscious and felt the need to hide from each other and from God. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should revert back (I believe there are laws against that now!)

What I’m saying is that we can often create barriers between ourselves and others and ourselves and God that don’t need to exist. Think of Adam and Eve before eating the fruit, happy with who they were, without feeling that they needed to hide. Think of a small child who will dance to the slightest hint of a tune (and even when there is no music at all!) or will sing just because they feel like it without caring what other people think of them. Or young children at preschool who will play with each other without cliques, at least to begin with, because everyone belongs.

It’s only when we get a bit older that we start to listen to what others think, and suddenly we can become self-conscious and refuse to dance or sing, or we start to think we need to try harder because we’re not very smart, or we start finding groups of kids and feel the need to try and fit in rather than being free to just be who we are.

But who told us that we aren’t clever? Who told us that we don’t fit in or belong? Who told us that we can’t sing/dance/draw/(insert your personal experience here)? Because I know for a fact that it wasn’t God.

In fact, in a quick search in the bible, God views us as ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’, ‘the apple of his eye’ and ‘very good’ (compared to the rest of creation which is ‘good’). God doesn’t compare his children, he delights in exactly who they are. Exactly who we are.

If we are so happy we want to sing or dance, God laughs with us because we are happy, not at us because he is judging us. He doesn’t look at a test score and label us ‘stupid’ or ‘a failure’. He sees our hearts and the things we enjoy doing and takes an interest. He doesn’t look at us and tell us we should hide that particular scar, or cover that particular mark with make-up. In fact, to God, we are, every single one of us, a beautiful example of his creation.

I guess what I’m trying to say (to myself as much as to you) is to think carefully before listening to that small voice making you self-conscious or tearing you down. Because if you stop and think “Why do I think that? Who told me that?” the answer is not going to be God, and just maybe we can start ignoring that little voice and start walking with our heads up and doing what we enjoy doing without feeling self-conscious or worried about what others think.

Fix your eyes on…?

Anybody grow up going to Sunday School (or an equivalent)? There’s a joke about a child who goes to Sunday School and the leader asks, “what is grey with a long fluffy tail, runs up trees and eats nuts?” The children think for a bit then one pipes up with, “I know it sounds like a squirrel, but the answer is always Jesus.”

Ok, not the funniest joke I’ve every told, but it’s a good lesson for children to learn in church, because that is what church is supposed to be about. And it’s something that sometimes older people in church could do with being reminded of, including me.

When the unexpected happens, when doubts and fears threaten to overwhelm, it’s easy to panic or despair or try to fix things ourselves. Stress and anxiety can strike and lead to anger or sleepless nights. The harder thing to do is to remember that the answer is Jesus and we can trust Jesus within that storm.

Guess what? Got a bible story to back me up! It comes shortly after Jesus and his disciples have fed over 5000 people with not a lot of food. Jesus sends his disciples ahead of him by boat across the Sea of Galilee while he goes to find some quiet time to pray. He prays through the night.

Meanwhile, the boat was making slow progress across the lake, but the wind was against it (it must have been a strong wind!) Something appeared above the water. No, not something, someone. They were walking on the water. The disciples immediate reaction was one of fear. “It’s a ghost!” one cried.

But Jesus called out, “Do not be afraid, it is I.”

And Peter, impulsive Peter, says, “Lord, if it is you, call for me to come to you on the water”

So Jesus says, “Come.”

And Peter, faithful Peter, Peter the rock, Peter who speaks first and thinks later, Peter who is the first to recognise Jesus as Messiah, walks out to Jesus on the water and together they get into the boat…

Except that’s not quite what happened. Because Peter got out of the boat and started walking towards Jesus, then got distracted by the wind and began to sink. He took his eyes off of Jesus and instead focused on his fears and the worries of the world around him. He began to sink. He called out, “Lord, save me!” and immediately Jesus reaches out and saves him.

“Oh, you of little faith,” Jesus said, “why did you doubt?” Then he helped Peter get back into the boat.

I retell this story here as an encouragement, because Peter has journeyed closely with Jesus. He has just witnessed him feed a huge number of people, literally the previous day. He asked Jesus to call him out of the boat, confident that Jesus wouldn’t tell him to do so unless it was safe.

And yet Peter still allows his doubts and fears to overwhelm and distract him from Jesus. But the grace of Jesus is that he ‘immediately’ reaches out. Even better, his question to Peter seems to be for Peter’s ears only. Jesus doesn’t embarrass Peter in the boat in front of the other disciples. I can imagine the disciples months later sitting round a fire telling stories and this episode coming up and Peter laughing and saying “… and then he said ‘why did you doubt?'” But not at that moment. Because at that moment Peter is probably shocked and scared. And Jesus is a man of compassion.

And I share this now because in my life a couple of events have taken me by surprise in the last week. I didn’t see them coming. And I needed to be reminded that people aren’t the answer. The church isn’t the answer. They are good and can be helpful and supportive, but they aren’t the answer. The answer, the one I can rely on always, is Jesus. Because when Peter started to sink, he called out and Jesus immediately reached out. Because in my past, when I have had low points, when things have seemed tough and confusing, Jesus has reached out to me too. Because if Peter can see and experience miracles and still doubt, then I can cut myself some slack. Because if, in the middle of the storm, Jesus can gently nudge Peter back to faith, then it’s never too late for me to turn my gaze back to Jesus.

And maybe some of you need to hear that too. Even the most committed follower of Jesus is allowed to have an occasional blip. If you can keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, you’ll find walking in the storm less stressful. But if you have a blip, Jesus is still the answer. Call out and he will reach out to you.

I can’t promise you there won’t storms in life, because the bible doesn’t promise that. I can’t promise you that that everything will be comfortable if you choose to follow Jesus (in fact, the bible promises the complete opposite while living in a broken world…) But the bible does promise that God will never leave you to walk through it alone.

So keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, and if you find yourself distracted by the wind and doubting, call out to Jesus; he promises to be there.

And he always has been for me.

Photo by Jasper Garratt on Unsplash