Living life

I baked this week. I made 2 giant wheels of shortbread, sandwiched them together with some semi melted marshmallow and raspberry jam and covered the whole thing in chocolate. Yep, I made a giant wagon wheel. It is 23cm across, and is chilling in the fridge.

What’s the relevance of that, you may ask? After all, people bake all the time, and people who know me know that I bake. And besides, someone else came up with the idea of a wagon wheel…

The point is, it’s been over a fortnight since I last baked something. And I can’t remember the last time I properly spent time with the people I love (outside of my own household). And by properly, I mean able to hug them and enjoy their company without feeling like I’m breaking lockdown rules (for the record, I haven’t to the best of my knowledge broken lockdown rules. But the guidelines keep changing and I get confused!)

I was fortunate enough to be able to spend sometime in January with a friend exploring future vision. And part of that meant discovering what makes me tick, what gives me life. I don’t mean oxygen (although that certainly does keep me alive!) but I mean what activities do I do that make the difference between surviving and getting through, and actually enjoying life.

Yep, baking and spending time with the people I love were high on the list. As was writing (I know, interesting choice. But hey, that’s the way God made me so I’m not gonna quibble it!) But I’ve been lacking motivation to write, and while Zoom and phone calls are great, they just aren’t a substitute for actually meeting people face to face and talking to them and watching Picard with them and playing monopoly… (disclaimer: other tv shows and games are available) Even a weekly virtual pub quiz is a reminder of the physical distance that separates us right now.

Please don’t misunderstand, I know people have it much worse than me. And I know that social distancing is a wise measure to keep us safe. So I don’t mean to sound like I’m moaning. I only say this because at the same time as exploring these things in January, my friend also said it’s worth knowing what gives me life so that when I notice that I’m getting irritable, or behaving out of character, or feeling overwhelmed and weary, I may be able to track down why. What is lacking? Is something impacting on my values? Or are my passions being stifled? Or is it something else?

Knowing my values, knowing what motivates me and knowing what passions I have meant that when I noticed how tired and irritable I had become in the last week I was able to do something about it. And this is something I wanted to share with you too. After all, John 10:10 says I came that you may have life, and have it to the full. We aren’t supposed to walk through life from one bill to another hoping we’ll get enough in our pay packet to cover it. We’re not supposed to struggle alone, or spend all of our time doing things out of a sense of duty. There is joy for us, and happiness and love. In between paying bills/rent/mortgage/groceries we are allowed to have fun.

If we aren’t getting enough food, our body tells us. If we are lacking water, our body will let us know. If we need more iron or vitamin C, there are symptoms (some are more obvious than others) And once we have identified the symptoms we (or someone who is medically trained) can help us to change something and make up for the deficit. Our souls are no different. When we are behaving out of character, or we are listless and lacking motivation, it may be that we are missing something in our lives. However, each of us was made differently. I need to be creative, and I enjoy baking and writing (and drawing ducks, but I can only draw so many ducks). I also value relationships with friends and family. Captain Obvious strikes again: you aren’t me. You might need to explore nature, or play sport, or something else entirely. So here are a few questions for you to ponder:

  • What are the most important things in your life and work? What can you not live without?
  • What are your personal values?
  • What are some of the passions carried forward from childhood you could still spend hours and hours doing today?

Using the answers above, are there any themes? Do you enjoy problem solving perhaps, or being creative? Or maybe there’s an adventurous streak in you. Whatever there may be, there is no right or wrong answer. But if, like me, you reach a point where you are lacking energy and are acting out of character, go back to the list ask yourself when was the last time you did something just for fun? Is there something on the list you could do now?

In my walk with God over the past few years, I have discovered more about myself than I dare to admit, both in areas of strength and areas for growth. But the funny thing is that wherever something was lacking God provided a way for me to grow in it. For me, that came in the form of friends who are like family, people to bake for and encouragement and an output to write. (It also took the form of some tough love, some very patient and loving people refusing to give up on me and experiences I’d never have dreamed of on my own). The point is, God wants what is best for you. He wants you to grow to be the best person you can be.

A bold claim considering I have only quoted the bible once in this post (so far). That because the bible is divinely inspired, it is God’s word. But God is a Living God and wants to experience life with you. So, go and seek God, go and find some joy. Jesus came that you might have life to the fullest.

One final bible verse to finish off:

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you,

    the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you;

    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,

    but will rejoice over you with singing

Many sparrows

This week, I was asked to write and record the sermon for the video my church puts out in place of a Sunday morning service at the moment. The set reading was Matthew 10: 24-39. Give it a read if you fancy. I found it a difficult passage to craft a sermon that both encourages and challenges. (I also found it a personal challenge to craft a sermon without really knowing who I was crafting it for, and then recording it to a camera without there being people in front of me to gauge the reaction). But I did find myself focusing on sparrows never being outside of the Father’s care, and how we are worth many sparrows. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never thought of my worth in sparrows before. It reminds me of Taskmaster where Alex Horne is comparing how well the contestants did to dogs or mice… It’s not a typical unit of measurement!

But if one sparrow is never outside of the Father’s care, and I am worth many sparrows (and so are you!) then, in simple mathematics, I am (and you are) also never outside of the Father’s care. Which then led me onto another example of Jesus’ care for people. If you read Mark 5 from verse 21 there is a story you may be familiar with. It’s the time the Jairus approaches Jesus because his daughter is dying. He falls at Jesus’ feet and begs Jesus to heal his daughter. And Jesus listens to him, and follows him to his home. Jesus always seems to attract a crowd, so they have to push through a lot of people to get to Jairus’ house. That day, there is someone else who is also desperate for Jesus’ help. A nameless woman has spent all she had on doctors who had failed to heal her. She had been subject to bleeding for 12 years. That would have been 12 years of being ritually unclean and being shunned. She would have got used to being invisible, and had a lot of practice at moving through a crowd unseen. She manages to reach Jesus and touch the hem of his cloak, and she is healed. But Jesus notices and stops while on his way to heal Jairus’ dying daughter. He singles out the woman and speaks to her.

While he is stopped, a messenger comes from Jairus’ house to tell them his daughter has died. Jesus overhears and says “Don’t be afraid, just believe.” He goes to the house, send everyone away except three disciples and the child’s parents, takes the girl by her hand and tells her to get up. The girl gets up and walks around.

There are so many layers to this story. You can use it to talk about the importance of our identity as children of God (which I may explore in a future post). You could use it to talk about not letting anything stop you getting to God.

But I would like to take a different angle. Jesus is on a mission to heal someone who is dying. It is a time critical mission. But on the way, a different situation presents itself. There is an immediate need right in front of Jesus. Instead of saying, “Please excuse me, I’m a little busy. You see someone is dying and I need to go. But I’ll come back once I’ve done that,” Jesus takes the time to see the woman. He doesn’t see what society sees, he doesn’t even see what the woman herself sees. He sees into her heart and he claims her as part of his family. No sparrow is outside of the Father’s care, and neither is this woman. There is an immediate need right and he responds.

But now look through Jairus’ eyes. Jesus has agreed to come and heal his daughter, but is instead stopping in the middle of a crowd to talk to a nameless beggar, all the while his daughter is getting worse! And then he hears the news he has been dreading – his daughter has died. But strangely Jesus isn’t bothered. Jairus is faced with a choice. Will he trust Jesus? He believed in Jesus enough to ask him to heal his daughter. How far will that trust go?

Jairus obviously chooses to trust Jesus further because he leads Jesus back to his house where Jesus does something else impossible. Jesus brings Jairus’ daughter back from the dead. No sparrow is outside of the Father’s care.

 In responding to one emergency, Jesus doesn’t choose the invisible member of society over the daughter of the important official. In what looks like a time critical situation, Jesus is able to respond to the needs of both daughters.

I wonder if there are some of us today who are feeling like the woman in this story, invisible and unheard. I wonder if that makes you hesitate to reach out and ask God for help because there is a bigger crisis and maybe society has told you that you are less important. You are not. You are worth many sparrows.

I wonder if there are some of us today that are tempted to be like Jairus in this story, maybe a little impatient because there is a time sensitive issue that needs to be rushed towards and handled. Maybe in your situation it feels like Jesus isn’t walking quickly enough or keeps getting distracted. But when bad news comes, will you still have the faith of Jairus? Or do you feel like you have wasted your time and that God has let you down. “Do not be afraid, just believe”. You, too are worth many sparrows.

So whether your situation is like Jairus and his daughter, or like the bleeding woman, keep hope because God can and does handle both. And if you start to despair and lose your hope and faith, just look for a sparrow* and remember. God cares a great deal for the sparrows, and you are worth many of them.

*If you are like me and not sure what a sparrow looks like, any bird will do

All things being equal…

It’s been a challenging week for me. Or maybe, it’s been a week of being challenged is more accurate. How can I be a real ally to the people around me? How can I bring hope and encouragement? How can I do more than just lip-service to a movement that is so important for the future like “Black Lives Matter”?

I saw a story going round on social media of an oboist at a conservatoire who had shared the struggles they had faced to get to where they are today, and the struggles they still go through. Things like not being treated equally in lessons, not getting the same opportunities, being targeted because of the colour of their skin. Oh, but also being wheeled out for ‘diversity’ photo shoots. It pulled me up short. I’ve done studies on gender and orchestras, but it never occurred to me to look at race and orchestras. And that’s the poison we face. We don’t acknowledge it. We don’t recognise it. We don’t see the part we play in it.

So what can we do? I believe humans were created with 2 great gifts; the ability to love and the ability to learn. And that’s where my seed of hope for this week comes in. The society that Jesus lived in is very different from the society we live in now. Slaves were considered normal, fighting to the death was a sport, and women had no (or very little) status. We now live in the 21st Century. Fighting to the death is illegal in most parts of the world. Slavery hasn’t been completely eradicated, but it is no longer considered normal and there are charities and laws working to protect people. And women can work, vote, own property and have some semblance of equality. None of it is perfect, there is more to be done in each of these areas. But through human’s standing up for change, change happens.

But there’s more. Because when I look at the way that Jesus acts, I see more reason to hope. Because Jesus sees people. He doesn’t ignore their race/gender/class. He sees exactly who they are. And he helps them anyway. The Samaritan woman at the well? Jesus sees her. The slave of the Roman centurion? Jesus heals him. The blind beggar? Jesus gives him his sight. The gospels were written for a reason: they are there to teach. (Romans 15: 4 ‘For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope’) Jesus meets/eats with/heals/befriends a diverse bunch of people. And he encourages his followers to do the same.

They haven’t always got it right. But we have and I hope always will continue to learn, to grow and to strive to be better at following Jesus’ example. So if you’ve stumbled across this little blog on the internet and think I’ve got something wrong, I hope you can forgive me. Please, I want to learn so feel free to correct me. I want to love like Jesus loved – unconditionally. And it you’ve stumbled across this blog and are feeling like everyone is against you and you are being discriminated against, I believe there is a God who sees exactly who you are and loves you anyway. He is the God who created diversity, and we should celebrate it, not let it create divisions.

I’d like to leave you (if you’re still reading) with one more verse from the bible that I have found has helped me over the past couple of weeks: “There is neither Jew not Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3: 28)

Finding hope in the dark

What could I possibly have to say right now? I am white and privileged. I have somewhere to sleep, a job with a steady income, a loving family and I can walk out at night without fear of being stopped by the police. And while I agree with the voices saying “all lives matter” I fear they are somewhat missing the point. Yes, all lives matter, but not all lives are threatened.

But this is a blog about hope, and the reason I hold onto the hope I have in Jesus. I have a few favourite bible stories that I come back to time and again because they bring me comfort and the give me courage. There are so many I could pick right now, about how Jesus doesn’t see the divisions that society sees. Take the story or Jairus’ daughter in Mark’s gospel with the story of the bleeding woman placed in the middle (Mark 5, 21-43) or Jesus talking to a Samaritan woman in John 4. Jesus sees people, not nationalities, not class, not race and not gender. He responds to the person who is in front of him.

But the story I want to focus on here comes near the end of John’s gospel. It is a passage for those who are hurting and feeling isolated and alone. It’s a passage that gives me goosebumps every time I read it. Read John 20: 1-18. Read it slowly and put yourself in Mary’s shoes (or sandals if we’re being historically accurate).

You had such hope for the future. You believed the Messiah had come to free you and lead you to victory, but then you watched as he was killed, betrayed by a so-called friend. You mourn him, but you are also afraid of what might happen now. There are dangers all around; the Romans, the crowd, even one-time friends it seems. And when you go to the tomb of this man who meant so much to you, you find the stone has been rolled away and the body taken. Where can you find comfort?

Crying in despair, you bend once more to look at the empty place where Jesus had been and you see two strangers. They ask you what is wrong and you have to say it out loud again. “They’ve taken him and I don’t know where they’ve put him.” And you turn away. You see another person you don’t know who also asks you what is wrong. Again you have to say it aloud. Again, you have to relive the pain. “Please, if you’ve taken him, show me where you have put him.” You just want closure, for this nightmare to be over.

“Mary.”

That’s all it takes. Jesus calling your name. You turn towards him fully and your feel joy and hope again. Jesus isn’t dead! He is here talking to you! Somehow, something impossible has happened.

I love this passage because I connect with it. There are more examples of Jesus appearing to people in the confusion and despair after his death and his body disappearing. With hindsight, we know and can understand that Jesus has risen. We know what happens next in the story, but they didn’t. The pair walking on the road to Emmaus when Jesus joins them and gently teases them, pretending not to know what has happened. The disciples (minus Thomas) meeting in a locked room out of fear and Jesus just appearing to them declaring “Peace be with you.” Jesus appearing again to put Thomas’ mind at rest when he is cynical about the other disciples story. Peter fishing (unsuccessfully) with some friends and a man appears on the beach and tells them to try one more time.

The point is, in all of these stories, Jesus comes to comfort, reassure, and send them out to do something more.

But it’s Mary’s story that touched my heart. What was it in the way he said her name that caused her to recognise him? When I read it, the voice is gentle and compassionate, a voice that can cut through overwhelming panic and despair. It’s a voice that is trustworthy and dependable. But it’s more than that. It’s the fact that he uses her name. Within that one word Jesus is able to say so much: “I care, I’m here, I see you, you are not alone”.

What would it sound like if Jesus called your name like that? What would it mean to be reminded that at your lowest point Jesus sees you and knows you?

I once visited a church meeting. I was known by some, but I was sitting apart from those friends so I was relatively anonymous. A set of circumstances, some by my own making and some actions of the people around me, had brought me to a place of desperation and uncertainty. I was hurting and I was angry, and I was just about ready to throw the towel in and walk away. That’s why I wasn’t at my regular church. During the musical worship I couldn’t sing. In fact I had silent tears rolling down my face.

When they had finished that part of the meeting, a member of the church from the other side of the room walked to the front. (Something else to know about me, I’m quite short…) He was passed the microphone and said “As we were worshiping, God showed me a picture of a young lady crying hopeless tears, and I just want to say that God sees you and he is with you. I encourage you to find someone to pray with you after this meeting” and he looked over to the rough area I was sat. From the place where he was sitting, there is no way he would have been able to see that I was crying or hear that I wasn’t singing. He didn’t know me or my reason for being there. And yet…

So here’s the thing about God. He knows us. If God had tried to talk to me directly I would have written it off as a figment of my imagination. After all, who was I that God should notice me? And yet…

God chose a stranger to pass on his message in a way I couldn’t deny. God chose to speak to me and let me know that I was loved and cared for, that I was important enough to be noticed. I wish I could say that I learnt that lesson that day, but it has taken a little bit longer for the truth of that to properly take root in my heart.

But just like Jesus telling Mary to go and share the news, I have a voice. God found me and walks with me. That’s the reason I hold on to hope. Because what Jesus does in the bible, God still does today.

So if you are broken, hopeless, hurting or ready to give up, please believe me when I say that God sees you. God knows you. And God is with you.

Here we go!

To write a book, you have to start with a few words. To climb a mountain you have to start with a few steps. To write a blog you need to, well, just do it? To ride a roller-coaster you have to queue for hours, get strapped in, wait a bit more, feel the tension build as the coaster climbs the inevitable steep incline before helplessly being tossed from side to side as the cart goes round a predestined route for 30 seconds then you get off and work out how your legs work…

OK, not the best example (but seriously, some people do that for fun multiple times!) I’ve got a friend (let’s call them Jo) who would spend all day every day riding roller-coasters if they could. And to spend time with them, I occasionally go on roller-coasters too. Sometimes I even enjoy myself! But I will never be able to appreciate them in the same way Jo can. And there is a lesson in that for me. Jo is tidy and organised, and has a process for how things should be done. Like the roller-coaster with it’s path, if things are planned then what follows should be a smooth ride. (I am aware that things don’t always go as they should with roller coasters, but bear with the simile) There are twists and turns, climbs and plummets, jerks, spins, times to scream, moments of elation, excitement, fear and a photo that will probably not catch your best side. It’s like a shortened version of life, except strictly planned out.

I am very different from Jo. I have piles of papers and books. If you need something from me, I will have put it in a safe place and will be able to lay my hands on it. Eventually. I approach things with a more open approach. I know where I want to get to, but I’m open to creative ways to get there, taking each challenge as it comes. If Jo’s approach is like a roller-coaster, wild and exciting but organised in advance, mine is like a treasure map. I know where I want to end up, and I’ll set off with a back-pack of provisions, but I won’t plan the whole route before I start.

And neither of these is wrong. Jo has a real gift for AV stuff. They are great are programming things. I do not. I do, however, have a burning desire to write, and a gift for story-telling. There is a verse in the book of Ezra (it’s just before Nehemiah in the bible). The Israelites have returned to Jerusalem and Ezra is praying and confessing on behalf of them all. Ezra mourns and confesses on behalf of the people of Israel because it is what is in his heart to do. And in chapter 10, verse 9, it says ‘Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it.’

The circumstances are very different, but I also want to find a way to bring people back to God. I have a flame of hope in my heart and I can’t just let it sit there. I need to speak out and share that hope. Especially now, when I see some people start to falter and doubt. I can’t explain what is happening now. I don’t understand the suffering I can see. A wiser theologian than me could probably dig through the bible for some sort of explanation. Another theologian could use the same bible and come up with a different explanation. All I can say is I trust in the God I believe in. I have faith that things will get better. And I hold onto hope for the future.

So here I am, plucking up the courage and doing it. I am stepping out on the next little stage of my journey, armed with some tools to help me along (namely a pen and paper, and a computer), knowing I will need to learn some new skills as I go. Using the bible, the things I have experienced and the things I see around me, I will write the reason I hold onto that hope.

My question to you is, what matter has God given to you, and do you have the courage to do it?